I Am (not) Okay. (Connor Franta)

Chapter 2

I stood still. Not looking anyone directly in the eye. For fear they would start a conversation with me. My arms folded tightly together were pressed against my rib cage. When the line moved I followed it, taking small steps. Keeping my distance from the student who held the spot in front of me.

The unruliness of quick decisions gave me such bad anxiety that it brought me to tears. And thats why I ate the same thing for lunch every day. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a cup of mixed fruit, a chocolate chip cookie, and milk with a white bendy straw. The lunch lady learned to stop asking me after freshman year.

" Hello dear "

" Hi ", I almost whispered not looking up.

She handed me a tray and I walked forward, staring at my feet. From the corner of my eye I saw an empty table. As soon as I sat down my ear phones went in and I began reading my latest book. 13 Reasons Why.

Math was after lunch. I sat in the back and mostly just stared at the wall always keeping one ear tuned into the lecture. The door opened suddenly causing me to cock my head to the front. A boy walked through. About average hight, wearing a blue v-neck with the sleeves rolled slightly. His pants fell perfectly down his slender legs and cuffed his ankles just above his red vans. He ran one hand through his blonde hair spiked upward and to the right.

" Uh hey I um new. I'm supposed to give you this? "

He handed my teacher a small pink slip of paper. She quickly pushed her glasses onto the brim of her nose and read the slip.

" Alright class this is Connor, be friendly "

She whispered something in his ear that I couldn't quite catch. Then he began walking towards me. I couldn't bring myself to stop looking at him. From head to toe he was just absolutely gorgeous. Caught in some kind of day dream I almost didn't notice that he sat in the seat right next to mine.

My lack of social skills told me I should look away. My anxiety told me I should look away. Every part of my rational mind told me I should look away. But something was holding me there. Something was fixating my eyes all over this boys body.

" Well hey there "

My eyes went wide and I sat there staring not saying a thing. He raised an eyebrow at me as if waiting me for to say something. Finally my senses came back to me and I turned away quickly. My eyes didn't move from that wall until the end of the period. As soon as the bell rang I was out the door not daring to look back.

I stuck my head in my locker and squealed in anger.

" Stupid, stupid, stupid "

I hit my head up against the stack of books taking up most all the space in my locker.

" Stupid, stupid. I am stupid "

" Hi stupid, I'm Connor. Its very nice to meet you "

I gasped loudly then slowly pulled my head out of my locker to see him standing there. Hands in his pockets just smiling at me. He had deep laugh lines that curved around his mouth that I hadn't noticed until now. I was staring again. Like an idiot. With out saying anything or grabbing what I needed for the next class I left him there. Standing by my locker, alone.

History was next. I took my place in the back and set my head down on the desk. He'll learn soon. He'll figure out that no one likes me. He'll figure out that I'm the weird girl who everyone stays away from. He'll find out who I am, and then he wont ever look at me again. I'll be a nothing. Like always.

" Isabella head up please "

I raised my head and stared blankly at my teacher. Tears had formed in the corners of my eyes. A slight look of concern flashed over her but left in an instant.

" Thank you "

Thank you. Thats all she said to me. No one cared. No one even pretended to care. Not even my teachers. Weren't they supposed to care? Supposed to help you? Well not me. I am a nobody. The lowest. I mean nothing to them.

The bell had rung five minutes ago and when I heard the door open I knew it was him.

" Sorry I'm late I'm new "

" There is no excuses sir I-

He flashed her a smile. A charming smile that could obviously get him whatever he wanted.

" Take a seat "

I was staring and thought I could look away in time but he caught me and our eyes made brief contact. And of corse he took the seat next to me. I sighed loudly and hit my head down on the desk much harder then I intended.

" Isabella! We are friendly to new students "

I looked up, confused and realized everyone's eyes were upon me. In terror I looked down at my feet.

" Look at me when I talk to you young lady "

I shook my head, not because I want to disobey her but because I was paralyzed. Completely in shock from all the stares and whispers.

" I've had enough of you. Go to the office "

Without argument I gathered my things and scrambled out of the room. Anything to get the attention away from me.

I sat in the office until school was over not because of what I did so much but because I "refused" to tell the principal what happened. Principals scare normal people, how on earth did they expect me to handle it.

I was the first one on the bus. The very last seat on the right had been mine since freshman year. I stared at my shoes. The seems were ripping on the sides and you could just barley see my toe. And there was a black stain on the left tongue from when I tried to teach myself to skate board.

" Did I do something to make you mad at me? "

I didn't even have to look up. He was sitting next to me. His shoulder brushing mine. Heat radiated off his body. I looked at his shoes, which were quite perfect compared to mine.

" Well? "

I shook my head, keeping it down.

" Can you talk? "

I indicated yes with another shake.

" Do you want to? "

I hesitated and slowly shook to say no.

" fine "

He left. Along with his heat. And the soft fabric of his shirt. My shoulders fell into a relaxed position.

It was my stop. I clutched my backpack tightly and headed off the bus. When I got to the middle someone stepped out in front of me. Connor. I reluctantly followed him onto the side walk in front of my house.

" Looks like we're neighbors "

He shot me one of those charming smiles and turned on his heels to enter the house across the street. I ran inside with out hesitation.

" Mom? "

No answer. There was only a note scribbled hastily on my counter that read:

" went out for a drink. Be back late. Dont wait up "

I sighed. 4:00. In the cabinet above the sink I pulled out a small white bottle. My name was printed across the front in bold letters. Isabella Carmen. With a shake two pink pills fell into my hand then rhythmically into my mouth.