tattooed | n.m

00:02

chapter song : all i want by kodaline

paola penelope brielle balenciaga

♡ 3 1/2 years ago ♡
i make eye contact with him once more. i shake my head, begging that he'll come to his senses and stop what he's doing it. he speaks up for the first time in the past 10 minutes,
"i'm so sorry... i'm sorry"
he holds the gun up once again, against the temple. i shiver once the cold silver metal hits the hairline ...
"xavier, it doesn't have to happen like this. we were a happy couple, since 7th grade, those relationships never last! 4, almost 5 years strong. please, just put the gun down, and we'll talk. what if i do wanna spend the rest of my life with you? what if you're the love of my life? we can't throw that away, baby. please, just set it down, sit next to me, and we'll sit here together. we can just talk it out." i speak up.
"i'm done. thank you for the years of love you've given me, i'll never forget you. see you soon, my love"
and with that, he pulls the trigger. he falls onto the ground, a pool of blood surrounding him immediately, and the wall getting splattered with the red substance. my eyes widen in horror, tears pouring out of my eyes. i try standing up, but my legs are so wobbly, it takes all the effort in me to stand on my own 2 feet. i feel my lips quiver, and my hands shaking, as i reach for my phone to dial 911.
"hello, 911, whats your emergency?"
"i... my boyfriend just killed himself"

♡ end of dream ♡

i woke up, drops of sweat beading down my forehead, and my blankets all balled up, as if i were kicking them for a while . alexander stood at the end of my bed, with a cup of tea and my pills in his hand.
"another nightmare?" he asked, handing me the 2 items. i simply nodded in response, place the pill on the top of my tongue, and take a sip of the tea to swallow the medication.
he signals me to scoot over, and makes his way to the side of my bed as i move from the middle to the opposite side. he gently lays down, pulls me into his arms, and lets out a sigh.

"i wish i could bring them back... i know this is hard on you, but i'm always here. i love you, kiddo." he states, and i instantly knew he was referring to xavier and grandma marie. it felt good to have his comfort, but i couldn't help it when my eyes began to water. i pushed back the tears, and spoke up,
"i know, i know... it just sucks."
"penelope, its a hard thing to go through. first our grandma, then your boyfriend... its not easy. but you're a strong girl, i got faith in you," he pauses for a second, and i could tell the tears were blurring his vision "now, no more crying... remember what our family always told us? you never cry in the face of pain, you never cry in the face of death. we're strong. no more crying... i'm gonna stay here with you tonight, okay? don't be scared, i'll be right next to you the whole night."
"okay... thank you, alex. for everything."
at this point, i've already gotten out of his embrace, and once we both lay back down, he turns his back against mine, and speaks up again.
"of course, kiddo. now go to sleep, we're going to the gym in a few hours, and we're having some guest over afterwards. i love you, goodnight." and with that, i shut my eyes.

i try falling asleep, but after countless attempts, i just look at the clock on my bedside table, and it reads "5:26 A.M". i debate going back to sleep, and decide against it. instead, i grab my phone, and text my mom. in spain, it's currently 2:26 p.m, so she should definitely be up.
"hey momma, you busy?"
immediately she responds,
"Never too busy for you , sweetie . Everything ok ?"
she's literally always busy, so i take advantage of this time that i have with her, and respond by telling her my whole nightmare, not leaving one single detail out. a minute after i send the message, the read receipt comes up.
finally, after what felt like an eternity, she responded.
"Oh honey ... I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this alone . I trust that Asaiah , Alexander , and Jericho are taking well care of you . They've always done so much for you , I know I could trust them to take care of the baby of the family . Just stay positive , hon . I wish I could be there to cradle you in my arms right now , and tell you in person how much I love you ... I'm sorry I can't be there for you ..."
that was the first time she ever said anything like that. most of the time, it was things like "sorry babe, it'll get better" or even "its tough but you have to get over it". i smiled at the text, and felt a little bit happier than earlier. not too long after she sent the paragraph, she texted me something else.
"I have a question for you... You can decline my offer , but its always up for you."
i furrowed my eyebrows, and crinkled my nose in confusion. i kept my response simple,
"thank you... and what's the question?"
"How would you and the boys feel about visiting us in Spain next weekend ? As you know , your grandfather and dad are dropping a new clothing line . It'd be great to have you and the family supporting their newest line . "
i sigh... thats why she was being so nice. i roll my eyes, before typing a quick response,
"i mean i have to talk to the boys first but we'll try going"
with that, i lock my phone, and set it back on the table. i might as well go to sleep, since its still pretty early...