Football Late Nights. (One Shots)

Letters I Never Sent

'It's time.'

And so it is. Sadness filled her body, the kind that aches so bad it took all she could do to not fall over, but she wasn't crying. She forced herself to be strong. It wasn't so hard to hold back the tears, after all those months of pathetic sadness and crying, she now realise that sometimes, letting go hurts less than holding on.

She watched the flames dancing on the fire pit near the swimming pool in her backyard, the blue and red mixing and blowing on a chilly night. She sat closely and hugged her thick cardigan around her tighter. 

Looking down at the small box next to her, filled with letters, she finally took one that was simply labelled as "the first". She clutched it hard, and the sound of wrinkled paper filled her ear. What was she waiting for?

'Why is it so hard?!'

Because it was finally time to let him go. To let all the memories of him fade away. She willed herself to be strong, but how could she when it's finally happening. Things never seem quite as real as when you're finally doing it.

A moment of silence passed before she threw the letters to the fire, one by one.

• • •

the first.

Dear.......,
Pathetic. I can't even write your name on a pice of freaking paper. It's only a paper, Erik! A paper! It's not like I'm saying it out loud or anything! Though.. What's so hard with saying your name. You're not Voldemort, this is not the wizarding world before Harry came. And I...

I'm rambling again. Im sorry. I don't know why it's been happening a lot lately and yes, even on paper.

Even when I'm alone, or when I'm with my friends. Well, our friends but you don't hang around anymore. I don't blame you, I think. I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Things are so different when you're not around. And I just..

I'm sorry. I'm a mess. You made me become a mess. I was so happy and so carefree and so painfully normal before you. Now I'm here bawling my eyes out because of you. Why did you do me so dirty, knowing how I felt, and all the things I've been through. The things that I told you and you promised not to ever do that. To ever be like him and how he wrecked me.

But I suppose you did keep your word, Erik. You were not like him, you were worse.

                                with(out) love,
J xx

• • •

the second.

Hey. It's me again. Sorry about yesterday. My unleashed anger at you was probably unnecessary. Probably. I was just thinking of the first time we met. It was quite funny how naive and young I was. I was so inexperienced with guys that whenever I look back, I laugh. If you were here I'm sure you would too.

You know, when I first met you and actually talked to you, to put it simply since I didn't usually talk to guys often, it was weird. Well, weird-ish. Some of the boys used to not like you much. Wouldn't let me bring you for parties. But you're cool, calm, no matter how much you deny it. Like the sea, most times, when it's not crashing to the shore.

Though you do have your own down moments, you take my advices well, which is one of the things I admire about you. If it were to be some other guy I'd reckon they'd be too caught up in their anger to even listen to what I'm saying. But you don't. If someone were to ask me my first impression of you, I'd say laid back, chill, cool. Though I guess it was just a façade wasn't it? I realise that now.

I should have realised sooner.

(not) yours sincerely,
J xx

• • •

the 10th.

I miss your house. I miss the smell of cookies your mum bakes every time she knows I'm coming over. I miss that black leather sofa you cat scratched countless times. I'm surprised you haven't got rid of it the last time I saw it. Though I would never know if it will ever truly be gone anymore. I miss our Skype calls at random times of the day that goes on for hours. I miss the way you almost kissed me all those months ago. Which you still almost do up until the separation. I miss late night conversations. I can't have that with anyone anymore now.

But most of all, you know I miss you. All those things I miss will never trump the feeling of missing you.

J.

• • •

the 20th.

Somehow I know this is the end. I know I cant write to you anymore. And it just devastates me to no end, Erik. Oh, God the things you put me through. How could such an innocent looking person do such heinous thing to me? You ruined me.

I'd like to know why I was your victim. Why me? I'd like to know a lot of things but the one thing I'd be thrilled to know..

is why you went around telling me you love me every single day for days and weeks when you know you were lying.

I had to find out through my friend that it was just a bet with your mates. Do I not mean anything to you? Was all those moments and secrets we shared mean absolutely nothing, and that I was just a girl you could so easily lie to, and manipulate? Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life.

Looking back, I realised I guess it was. You took a chance to play with a girl who was naive enough to fall for your trap. It was all fun and games to you, but it wasn't for me.

And that's not even the worst part. The worst is when you suddenly, out of the fúcking blue, told me that you were in love with my best fúcking friend. I don't even know what to say. I would ask how you think that made me feel, but I know now that you never even care.

In the first ever letter–though I never sent it–I mentioned about how you remind me of the sea, calm, most of the time. You still do. I can even relate our friendship or whatever you want to call it to the sea. Calm, beautiful, but nearing the end, everything just crashes to the shore and thats where it all ends.

You know, you were a vital part of my life. Helped me transform myself from a caterpillar to a butterfly, no matter how cliche and overused that phrase is. I just wish you know it but you act as if you don't know me at all now. As if we were never close. As if you never loved me, but I suppose  you really didn't.  The worst thing about all of this is that I am completely and utterly in love with you, and no matter how many times you did me wrong I'd still come crawling back to you with no shame. But I cannot anymore, I must not. Why did I even start writing to you? You do not deserve a thought in my day. You do not deserve anything but I still wish you the best. I hope you get everything you deserve.

I guess I just miss you. 4AM is not a good time to wake up because you suddenly miss people you wouldn't have at any other time of the day. I don't know. By the way, I miss your cat. Say hello to him for me. Goodbye, Erik.

with love,
J x

• • •

The smell of burnt paper hit her in the face. Soon, all those letters along with the memories will be rid from her life. The ashes scattered around the air. She watched, and after a long time, smiled.

'I'm free.'