Ceiling

Part 1: Gravity

 
YEAR 2000
Your name is Rose Lalonde and you are a baby girl that has just been slapped in the ass by the doctor when you came out from your mother's womb. Apparently, if you do not make any noise, you are not considered alive. So you cry. You wail. You show them you are very much a living being.
A few days later, your mother and father bring you home to a house in Manhattan, New York. The next door neighbors sees your arrival and they are instantly drawn to see you, pushing alongside their own baby daughter (who is three months older than you) in a stroller.
The four of them chat about who knows what - about your weight and your name probably - and comparing you and the other baby girl. You are much too young to remember this baby girl's face, but years from now, you would've loved this person with all your heart because she was supposed to be your true love.
  
Lock the door
Close the blinds
   
  
YEAR 2001
You are now a one year old girl and is starting to walk, albeit a bit still wobbly. Your parents and the neighbor's kid's parents took both of you to this park and you play with her on the grass. You don't remember why, but you were laughing (babies are either crying or laughing) and she took your face in her little hands, just examining you.
  
Rest your chest
Close to mine
  
The two of you take nappy time on this blanket your parents have laid out on the grass. You sleep like, well... like a baby. You felt safe beside this girl as both of you dream happy dreams.
  
And remember this will be our last
  
Two months later, your true love's family moved away to another city, taking your soulmate away from you without your knowledge.
  
  
YEAR 2005
You are now five years old and your mother is explaining something very crucial to you.
Today your mother brought out her old photo album of her years in college. You wanted to see how adults looked like when they were younger.
One girl caught your interest as your mother told you about her friends. The girl had very short hair, almost like a buzz cut, and she was wearing very boyish clothes, though her face was too feminine to be a boy.
You asked your mom. "Who is she?"
Your mother makes the tiniest pause before answering you. "Oh, that's my friend Regina."
"Why does she look like a boy, mommy?"
"Actually, dear, she looks like that because, I'm sorry to say this, she has a mental illness."
"Her brain is sick?" You ask in wonder.
Your mother nodded. "Yes, that's why she wears boys clothes and acts like a boy. She likes other girls too. That's not right, sweetie."
For the years to come, you will look back to this scene in your life and actually think that girls who liked other girls had mental illness.
  
Turn it up so they can't hear
If it's too loud just let ears bleed
  
  
YEAR 2007
You are now seven years old.
You forgot about the story of your mom's friend with the mental illness and you tell your parents that you have a crush on a girl in your class. You tell them the girl is so pretty and how she was nice to you and wanted to be your seatmate and you don't even know why you're telling them you have a crush, you just feel so light and...
You stop talking when you see the expression on their faces: Shock. Anger. Disapproval.
You remember your mom's friend. Somehow, you won't ever forget it now. You don't voice it out, but you realize you have the same mental illness that your mother's college friend has.
  
Felt the warmth around our necks
Oh what's left is one last step
  
Almost right away, your mother enrolls you to a new school. You think it's because of your mental illness that you left your old school along with the girl you have a crush on.
But you don't even feel you're sick! And if you're sick, shouldn't your parents have taken you to the hospital? You were so confused, but didn't want to ask them about it, because you felt afraid. That night, your mother lectures you about right and wrong. However, you already get the feeling that what you did was wrong, you don't need the lecture. Why else would they be so upset about it? Why else would your mother go to such lengths, saying one of her friends had a mental illness when you realized deep down that she didn't? You thought you were such a disappointment.
From that day on, you don't tell your parents anything anymore. You focused on academics to make up for the disappointment you felt towards you.
 
But we're strung up, we almost lost control
  
  
YEAR 2010
You are now ten years old and is somewhat labeled as a prodigy. You did psychology in the last few years even before you knew what it was. Your mind buzzed with information on books you've read that your parents never had the time to read to you due to them being busy with work.
Most of the school's academic awards were won in competitions you attended. People in school knew who you are.
You also learn about homosexuality at this stage. You learn so many things about it but it is not enough to learn how to accept who you are. You feel trapped and confused and, very sadly, has begun to think of suicidal thoughts.
  
Fix our lips for one last kiss
'Cause we know we'll burn for this
  
   
YEAR 2012
You are now twelve years old. You have many friends by now: John, Dave, Jade, Roxy, Dirk, Jake and Jane, and yet for some reason, you still feel so alone.
It is like there is this black cloud that constantly follows you and envelops you whenever and wherever you go.
You mother notices this and asks if you wanted to come along to the mall with her, but would stop at the local bookstore along the way. She knows you love books because you spent so much time buried in them. The truth was, you liked books because you use it to escape reality sometimes.
And so she drops you off in front of the bookstore and gives instructions where you'll wait for her in the mall later. She drives away as you step inside the store, and the first thing you notice as the door closes behind you, was a girl with black hair in a pixie cut hairdo, standing in the young adult section. Even twelve feet away from you, you could see that she had very green eyes, as she read a David Levithan book. She was the prettiest girl you've ever seen.
  
Fix our lips for one last kiss
  
You stand there locked in place, unable to think properly. You didn't know how to react, which confused you, because you see girls almost every day in school, why would this one be any different? And why on earth do you feel like going up to her or do something for her to notice you, anyway?
You shake your head and walked away rather abruptly, making your way to the other part of the bookstore, distancing yourself from the pretty girl.
For some reason, you sneak a peek to where the beautiful girl could be and you see her leave the bookstore without a purchase. You stare after her. She has left but your heart is beating so loud and your palms are sweating.
   
We're all we need and no one else
The time is now no turning back
  
You went to the young adult section wherein you first saw the pretty girl and you took the book you saw her reading. You read it yourself and liked it. The girl has good taste. You buy it and leave the store, making your way to the mall which was just a block away, to meet up with your mother.
You find her in front of the Forever 21 store, chatting with this other woman. Your mother introduces you and you learn that the woman had been one of your neighbors before (she kept saying that you were all grown up now because apparently she saw you when you were still in diapers). The woman says that she's just waiting for her daughter Kanaya (what kind of a name was that though? Like saying "Can I uh..." or something. "Can I uh... call you Kanaya?") to arrive and that they will have a shopping spree today because apparently this Kanaya girl had a passion for fashion, and you wonder why someone would spend so much time surrounding herself with clothes when they're just inanimate objects.
Your mother wants to go with your used-to-be neighbor and find Kanaya, but you passed on the offer of tagging along with them, saying you would rather just read a book at the Food court and wait for them there.
At the Food court, you pick a seat and start reading where you left off.
  
  
YEAR 2014
You are now fourteen years old and depression is consuming you at an alarming rate.
You have told your friends about your sexual orientation and they accept you without question and you feel glad of course, but somehow it is still not enough to push away this black cloud that constantly covers you in its gloom.
All you can think about lately is how much you want to tell your parents that you want to be with a girl (for some reason the girl you imagine ending up with is the pixie cut hairdo girl you saw at the bookstore), and how you will see the disappointment again. How they will look at you with disapproval in their eyes. They would not understand how painful it already is to be alive and not be normal in the eyes of actual normal people.
You look at all the trophies, awards and achievements you've acquired and they are also still not enough to anchor you to the ground. You wish there was more to life than being a puppet, the world pulling on your strings as they tell you what you can or cannot do.
  
We'll be floating on the floor
We can't take it anymore
  
  
YEAR 2015
Your name is Rose Lalonde and you have been alive for fifteen years now. Though in your opinion, it doesn't really feel like living.
You are now standing on this three-feet high stool - the only thing in your room aside from your desk that was high enough to carry you from the floor - as you eye the noose you've built which hangs limply at the ceiling one afternoon while your parents were away at work.
You are all alone in your house.
  
Never will forget
We will not regret
  
You secure the noose around your neck with trembling hands, the radio turned on so loud in your room that it drowned out any other sound coming from outside.
You close your eyes and for the briefest moment, your mind manages to think of a girl. You saw her once, but you never forgot about her. You wonder about that: how a mere stranger you saw at the bookstore three years ago has held your attention and memory up until now. You actually hoped you would get a chance to see her again and get to know her more, but too much is in the way.
You imagine her now, with her short black hair and green eyes looking at you with such sadness at what you're about to do, and tears pooled down your cheeks. You want to be with this girl. You want to love her. She leans in and whispers something to you.
  
Stay with me
Stay until it's gone
  
The black cloud rolls in once again, making you feel so much burden that it is a miracle you are still breathing, and you whisper back in a pained voice, "I can't. I'm so sorry."
  
And I wish it'll never end
  
You kick away the stool underneath you far away as possible.
  
But our time is almost up