Love Notes

Her

I wrote this six days ago and never had the courage to publish it. But I'm doing another one right now so I decided to publish this one first. Sorry for holding it back. -Leslie <3

Sometimes the importance of a persons life is a collection of different things, or different people. While others' worlds seem to revolve around a single ideology.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you love her, go ahead and love her.

But I can't promise I'll still be here waiting every night for you to kiss you and hold you in my embrace for you to just go on telling me about her.

It hurts me more than I've shown to hear you tell me you love her.

To hear you tell me how on her birthday sometime in May that she hugged you, the smile plastered on your face like an art project.

To hear you tell me that she's some girl in another class who's already turned eleven, who's months older than I am.

To hear you say if you had to choose two people to spend the rest of your life with one of them would be her.

I can't bear it.

To know that when you hold me close to you, rocking me that you love me, but not like that.

To know that when I kissed your face and when you kissed mine, there is no doubt in my mind that you would rather it have been her.

'Cause you love her like that.

Not me.

Which makes me wonder why you did such things to me. Wouldn't you rather it have been her? Of course, of course you would've.

But you couldn't be there with her. I was all you had.

Did you close your eyes when I kissed you?

Did you imagine in your mind that it was her instead of me?

Did you pretend that it was her who was softly kissing your face?

Did you wish it really had been?

I don't know how to press myself up so close to someone who loves someone else, wishes I was someone else.

So, that is why I'm moving on. Because there is no greater pain than that of the one who you dream of dreaming of someone else.

I can't do it anymore. I simply cannot devote my time to someone who thinks of someone else in the light I think of them. Sorry.

It's not you, it's you and her.

Additional Material: June 26th 2016

They told me everything you did.

But you knew that already.

Brenda told them to stop telling me all the things you and her did. Because she was tired of things getting so violent for me. Knowledge is dangerous, so don't tell me.

But they did. They knew that you and her slept in the same bed that night on that trip I wasn't there for.

So, here's to why I chose her over you.

Here's to why I decided to side with May Belle on the night of the 24th.

Here's to why I let her win.

Here's to why I suddenly changed my mind and decided it was you who should go sleep elsewhere.

Here's to you and her, sleeping in the same bed that night I wasn't there.

Here's to me choosing not to be just another one of them.

Here's to deciding that I'm not gonna be just "one of the girls you love."

Here's to saying, you sleep next to her, not me. Because I don't wanna be just one of them.

I want to be the only one.

And if I can't be the only one,

I don't wanna be one at all.

I'll go find someone else who doesn't set me up with competition and go back and fourth between me and her.

You choose her, or me. Not both.

I cannot love or care about anyone who does for more than one person.

So, I'm out. Thanks for everything.

Thanks for the kingdom we ruled.
Thanks for the friendship we had.
Thanks for the time we spent.
Thanks for the memories we had.
Thanks for being my only real friend.
Thanks for teaching me it was real.

And I'm sorry that this is the way we ended, but life goes on.

I'll be me again, I'm not letting you deprive me of that anymore.

I don't want to hurt myself.
I don't want to have addictions.
I don't want to cry every night.
I don't want to think about you.
I don't want to miss anyone.

I want to be happy again.
I want to be free-spirited again.
I want to be imaginative again.
I want to be untouchable again.
I want to not be hurt by bullies again.
I want to be able to ignore hate.
I want to not care about hate.
I want to be me again.
I want to be Leslie again.

Thank you for embracing that for what seems to have been so long ago.

And I'm sorry for whatever made you take that away from me.

It's over now.

I'm finished.