I don't know why I'm back here. But then again, I've came back too many times to count. I always come back to this post, especially on my bad days, but I never know why.
I've been cringing at my bitter words for the past two years but I never moved on to say something else. I took it down and then posted it up again, but I never bothered to say anything else or to assure you that not everything that's gone wrong in my life is your fault. I don't know why.
I was so bitter. Despite what I said, I was bitter and still had hate in me. I could say that it's validated since I was still coming to terms with that blow to the gut but I don't think I should. Instead, I want to say sorry. For everything. I don't blame you for all of my downfalls in life Those are all because of me and my idiot self. And I certainly don't hate you. I love you. You're my family and I love you. Even though I don't say it, it's there.
Even though we've never had a good relationship, I'm still thankful for you and everything you've done for me. And I'm so sorry for being such a fucking pain or burden or nuisance or whatever you want to call it. That relates to everything besides the gay thing, that's one thing I'll never apologise for.
I'm undeniably gay and I'm so comfortable with my sexuality at this very moment. I never thought that I'd see this place but I'm here and it's amazing. So no apologies for that.
We still haven't spoken about it since I came out two years ago, when you told me that it's all in my head and that the devil's worrying me and that I need to pray more. But hey, it's all okay now. I've accepted the fact that you will never accept this part of me. But it's okay because you have your beliefs and I have mine. I can't expect you to feel the same way I do, but you've got to realise that you can't expect me to feel the same way you do. That's just not fair.
I don't know if you're gonna be apart of my future or not but it's okay. I won't hold it against you. If you're not going to be there to see me marry the woman I love, to be there when we have/ adopt our kids, to be there to see them, and us as a family, grow then I promise it's okay. I won't love you any less. I hate that I'm gonna have to leave for good to make a life of my own but I don't think I'll be able to that when you're around. I have no shame in who I am anymore but if you're gonna hurt, then I'll hide it by moving and you'll never have to feel that pain. I never want to cause any of you pain.
But yeah, I just wanted to tell you that it's okay. And that I love you.
I don't know if you're ever going to actually stumble upon this and read it and honestly, I'm not sure I even want you to anymore, which brings me back to why the heck I'm here again. I don't know. I guess I just wanted to talk to you without actually talking to you. Well, we never have these type of conversations anyway so that wouldn't have done any good. I could have wrote all of this in my journal and spared the few souls who will stumble upon this and waste their time reading it when they could be doing something more important rather than reading about a whiny girl, but I'm so tired of not being heard. This really got to me today. I don't understand why people think I'm so dumb that they actually have to talk over me in class, and pretty much everywhere else, to ask the next person about what's going on rather than even trying to ask me. They just have such a mocking look in their eyes when I ask them to repeat themselves so I could maybe help. A look that says that I'm not even worth trying. But maybe that's just it. Maybe I'm not. But eh, whatever. I'm just being whiny and pathetic.
I'm still baffled by why I always come back here when I'm having a bad day. Maybe it's because in this way I can actually talk to you. I would be left wondering if you've actually read it but that beats being straight down ignored by a billion times.
I haven't seen you in nearly a year but I get to come back home next month. I wonder how that would go. We'd probably end up arguing over something but oh well, that's just us I guess. I hope to God it's not my sexuality though. I don't think I'll be able to hold back then. My feelings are valid and ever since I learnt this, I've been fighting for them. But eh, I guess we'll see.
This day has been awful and I don't even want to talk to anybody but this has been a good talk. I love you.
