Sleepless in Seattle | Ryden

chapter one

It's January 14, 2014 and Brendon Urie's band is going on stage at 8:00. Normally he is electric with nerves and adrenaline, but right now he's only dreading the fact that Seattle was a really important city to him. It was where him and Ryan spent Ryan's 21st birthday together...but Brendon can't remember much from that night. It all goes by in a flash of pain and anger at himself for letting Ryan slip away so easily. If he thinks hard enough, Brendon can almost remember the feeling of Ryan's hands on his body. He knows it's wrong to be thinking of this. He has Sarah now, and his fans are convinced that Ryden was a joke. Sometimes Brendon even convinces himself of this, but deep down he knows it's all a lie.

"You okay, babe?" Sarah says, putting a hand on his arm from the seat next to him.

"Oh, yeah I'm good. Just a little nervous." he lies. Dallon raises an eyebrow sceptically at him and turns the radio up a notch. Brendon concentrates on what he's going to do if he breaks down on stage tonight. It's a low chance, but he should still be prepared. After a while he manages to block out the radio and Spencer & Zack's conversation and tries hard to remember what happened that night. He knows they both got drunk, and he knows they spend the night in the hotel alone. He also knows waking up in the morning to only one bed in the room being used. But why?

All he can remember is that Ryan caught a flight to seattle, they got dinner, and after maneuvering their way into a club with Brendon's fake ID, they both got shit-face drunk and both somehow woke up next to each other in their boxers. Brendon knew it was possible that they just were drunk and ended up sleeping int the same bed, but he also knew that there were moments when him and Ryan were more than just friends. He has faint memories of crushing his lips into the familar silk of his band member's lips, running his fingers through is hair, a flash of Ryan's hands on his bare chest-- but the memories stop there.

He hears commotion fighting through his thoughts trying to get his attention. Kenneth's hand lands on Brendon's shoulder, shaking him lightly. "Hey man that was awesome!"

"Hmm?"

"Miss Jackson was just on the radio!" he shouts with a grin on his face.

"Oh?" Brendon says, yanking his thoughts back to the present. "Really man? That's awesome, this must be good luck!"

"I can't believe you didn't notice," Ken says, frowning at Brendon.

"I'm really nervous, I'm sorry. I don't know why." but it's a lie. He knows exactly why. Ryan Ross was his secret boyfriend in 2007 and it pains Brendon to think about the fact that thing were no longer the same. He furrows his brow in confusion. He just wants to hit himself up side the head for thinking these things. He's with Sarah now. He loves Sarah. Not Ryan. 

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Brendon buttons up a black shirt and shrugs on a dark shiny coat over it. He frowns at himself in the mirror. His outfits for concerts are always over the top, they always have been. A memory flashes into his brain of him and Ryan performing onstage during the Pretty. Odd. album's release. It's clear, as if it was only yesterday. The extravagant microphones covered in fake vines and flowers. It looked like they had been on pot before deciding the set. Him and Ryan stood side by side, singing together and occasionally moving together to sing into the same microphone. Every time they did, the crowd went wild. 

"Brendon you ready to go?" Dallon's deep voice calls from outside the dressing room door.

"Yeah man, are Spence and Ken?" Brendon asks, straightening his collar and walking out. 

"Let's do this."

It's 7:20 and they prepare themselves to go onstage. The crowd must know it's close because he can hear the ecstatic shouts of hundreds of fans. They had a meet & greet before this where they got to meet some fans. They were all very nice and calm which comforted Brendon. It kind of gave him an idea of what they are dealing with. At 7:30 they run on stage. The audience goes insane. Screams, tears and of course that one girl that shouts "I LOVE YOU" at the split second the crowd is quieter than normal. 

They open with Vegas Lights, the crowd screaming and singing along. This is Brendon's favorite part of being in a band. Seeing so many people, going to so many different places. After Vegas Lights is over, they play a couple songs from A Fever You Can't Sweat Out, switching back and forth from that album Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die! They occasionally played songs from Vices & Virtues, too. After quite a few songs, they started playing Casual Affair. 

Brendon began jamming out and jumping around dancing on stage and singing. The crowd went wild, singing along. 

"Just lay in the atmosphere 
A casual affair
lay in the atmosphere
a casual affair, whoah"

By the time they get to repeating the chorus for the last time, Brendon is getting choked up. He doesn't why. The only explanation is what this song is about, and in the back of his head, Brendon knows what this song is about. The pain he felt with Ryan was red hot. Ryan always wanted to fake out their relationship until it came to the benefits. Brendon loved Ryan for more than his body, but he knew that feeling wasn't returned. Still, he was so hopelessly in love with him that he took whatever he could get. 

Brendon bends down, tears finally spilling from his eyes as he sings the very end of the song. Everyone knows he's crying. It's obvious, and everyone is going to want an explanation. Not feeling as if this situation could get any worse, Brendon quietly shouts "Ryan" into the microphone, hoping that it will reach the crowd. Hoping they will understand. Hoping they won't ask questions. He knows his fans are supportive, but when it comes to Ryden they can be a bit crazy. Thankfully, the crowd quiets down and he can hear soft voices telling him it's okay. Some merely sit in shock, but a lot of them are just shouting saying "I love you" and a few people from the front row say "please stop crying, it's going to be okay". At this moment, he is so appreciative of his fans.

He stands up and combs a hand through his hair. "Thank you guys." he says into the microphone. The crowd cheers. They continue the show with an even more ecstatic crowd. Brendon gets a little choked up when singing Nine in the Afternoon but all it takes is quick glance at Dallon and the smiles from the crowd to remind him he'll be okay. 

At the end of the show, they bow and walk off stage. Backstage, the first things Brendon sees is the confused and sympathetic look on Sarah's face. How am I going to tell her? is the only thing that goes through Brendon's head.

"Babe are oka-" Sarah starts, but Brendon pushes past her, walking back to the dressing room. Spencer chases after him.

"Dude what is going on?"

"It's fucking Ryan. I can't take this anymore, and I know Sarah is going to be totally pissed if I tell her, but I can't take it anymore dammit." 

"Calm down. Sarah will understand, you guys were best friends-"

Brendon looks up at Spencer locks his eyes in a cold dark gaze. "No, Spencer. We were more than friends. You know this, don't pretend you don't."

Spencer sighs and presses his fist to his mouth, propping his arm up on his knees. "I know, Brendon. How are you going to explain this to Sarah?"

"I really don't know." he says with a sigh. At this moment, all he wanted was the comfort of having Ryan be there to support him. 

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hope you enjoyed the first chapter!
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