Thanks For The Memories

Hum Hallelujah

      I wake up and look around the room. Somethings wrong. This isn't the room I went to sleep in. Wheres Patrick? Maybe it was really just a dream. I get out of bed and walk out into the hallway, i'm greeted by the pleasant smell of freshly cooked pancakes and bacon. This is weird, the last time I smelled this was a week before my mom passed. I shudder but continue to the kitchen to investigate.

      I round the corner to the kitchen and nearly fall to the ground. Standing behind the counter with the newspaper and a cup of coffee in her hand was my mom. she looked healthy, like she had never even been sick.

"MOM" I yelled as I ran into her arms.

" Parker honey whats gotten into you?" she says startled as she pulls me into a hug.

" I missed you so much. I started to forget what you look like. I was scared mom, please don't ever leave me again" I cried into her chest, half of the sentence completely incoherent.

She ran her fingers through my hair  and I looked up at her.

" Honey, what are you talking about. I haven't even gone anywhere" she pulls me to my feet.

"No mom you were gone and I missed you so much. I love you. please. Don't ever leave me."

"Sweetie I think it was a bad dream. i'm not going anywhere anytime soon. now why don't you eat some breakfast. I made your favorite. "

She smiles and pats me on the back. I walk over and sit in the stool across from my mom. She smiles and slides me the plate filled with steaming pancakes. I giggle with joy. I can't remember the last time I had pancakes. I look up at my mom and realize that her cup of coffee is gone, and so is the newspaper. Then I look back down at my plate to realize that its not there anymore either.

"Uhhhh. Mom? Where'd my food go?" I look up at her. the smile has faded from her face, suddenly she collapses to the ground.

"MOM!?!" I scream and run to her side. 

She looks sickly now. All life has drained from her face, this is how she looked before she died.

"MOM! Nonono you can't do this to me. I just got you back, I cant loose you again." I plead holding my mother.

"Mommy, please look at me. just stay with me. please. I need you. Open your eyes. M..mom?" I shake her frantically trying to wake her up. Tears falling from my cheeks and hitting her pale skin.

I pick my mother up into a hug and hold her as tightly as I can manage, her body goes limp in my arms and her head falls to the side.

I look down at her, she looks so peaceful and free of suffering.

". . .m . .mmo .. .mom?" Im barley able to say through the tears.

shes gone.

i've lost her again. her body falls from my arms as I stand up, looking around the room everything feels like her. I cant stand it. 

I'm screaming and crying at this point. I cant really tell whats going on. I'm breaking plates throwing glass wear against the wall. I punched a hole in the dining room mirror, i'm bleeding now. but I don't care.

All of the sudden I hear someone calling my name. Its feint. but there. 

I fall to the ground in a heap of exhaustion as the voice gets louder, I fall into the dark void of unconsciousness.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

I wake up suddenly to someone yelling my name.

"Parker! Parker wake up!" Patrick yells shaking me violently.

I look up at him with tears in my eyes, the memory of my dream still freshly present in my mind.

" You were screaming in your sleep. And thrashing around. Are you okay? Patrick rubs my arm as I sit up in the bed.

" I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to wake you, Ill go sleep on the couch. You should go back to sleep. " I start to get out of the bed when Patrick grabs my arm. 

He pulls me back down on the bed and gives me a stern look.

" Parker, you were screaming mom, and things like no don't do this to me, don't leave me." He pulls me into a hug and I start crying.

"I'm sorry. . . I..I..I'm so sorry." I whimper through the waterfall of tears soaking into Patricks shirt.

"Shhhh. It's okay, you don't need to apologize. You did nothing wrong" he whispers into my ear, as he rubs my back.

My tears stop flowing and I slowly begin to regain myself. Pulling away from Patrick I move to the edge of the bed. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" He says softly

I look into the dark and think for a minute. a little about my mom. about me. but mostly about Patrick. Nobody has ever cared about my night terrors. they just ask if 'm okay. I lie. Then they leave. But Patrick genuinely cares. Its nice. I feel like I can open up to him. 

I turn around and face Patrick.

" It was about my mom. She made me pancakes, it was nice, but then... it went to that day. . . the day she died. . . I couldn't do anything. . . I just held her. . I should have done something that day. I should have called 911. I could have saved her. But I didn't. I was scared. And she died. And.... its my fault." Tears started to fall again but I quickly wiped them away.

"Come here" Patrick opened his arms and I curled up on his chest

" Parker listen to me. Your mothers death was not your fault. stop telling yourself that. She was sick, you knew that for a long time. these things just happen. and you cant blame yourself or else you will never be able to move on." Patrick cradled me in his arms and I felt safe. he was warm. he cared about me. Ive never had someone actually care about me in a long time. I looked  up at him and he looked back down at me.

I sat up and softly kissed his cheek. he smiled and began to blush.

" Thank you Patrick." I whispered. Then I laid back down on the bed. 

Patrick grabbed the covers and pulled them over me, then wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him.

then he started singing, very softly, it was beautiful. 

" Hallelujah, Hallelujah,  Hallelujah, Halleluuuujah" he sang soft and beautifully into my ear and I began drifting back into sleep. this time with Patrick next to me, keeping me safe and my dreams sweet.