You Gave Me Life (Phan)

2008

I found him. AmazingPhil. YouTuber extraordinaire.

A week after my seventeenth birthday, I found Phil.

He was everything I wanted to be, he liked everything I liked, and he had this certain air of confidence around him.

I could see it in his face. I could read him. He had to build himself up. He had been beaten down, but he had overcame. I could just tell. He was it. He was everything.

He made the buzzing go away again. For good. 

The emptiness in my chest and the occasional screaming thoughts persisted still, however, I felt as though for once, in an entire year, perhaps I had a chance of surviving Time's plot to get me. Maybe I wasn't worthless. Phil was so much like me; how could I be worthless if I had any piece of him inside me?

Yet, he was so much more. Maybe I was still worthless.. but that's not the point.

I spent practically a whole week in my room after my birthday; candy wrappers and dirty dishes piled up around me. I only came out of my room to go to work, use the bathroom, and get more food. By the end of the week, I had seen every video AmazingPhil had to offer. Most I had seen two and three times. The first I had watched the most.

I couldn't rip my eyes away from the screen, watching Phil, fresh and new and awkward, metamorphosize into something still fresh, not quite as new, and still somewhat awkward. The screen burned into my eyes, so I could see his face even when I closed them.

I laughed, eyes closed, listening to the first video again, his northern accent ringing into my ears, picturing every move.

"Daniel? Honey, don't you want to come out and spend some time with us? I haven't seen you all week."

"Mum, I'm a tad busy." I didn't open my eyes or pause the video. I was scared the buzzing would persist; plus, I didn't want to miss a word.

I heard the door open, footsteps crossing the room, and the click of a mouse. "Mum!" My eyes snapped open. There she stood, one arm on her hip, the other tapping its fingers on my desk.

"Daniel, you know I'm not one to force you to spend time with us."

"I know, Mum, so don't." I shifted uncomfortably, moving my eyes back from the screen to her face.

"Dan, I just," she rubbed the sides of her nose, on the spots where her glasses usually sat, "I don't understand what's gotten into you. Why you're so wrapped up in these videos. You rarely come out of your room lately, this last week especially." She sighed and sat down on the bed, and I swiveled the chair to face her. "Is there something wrong?"

I frowned at her a second, trying to come up with some kind of response that won't make her worry. "I'm sorry Mum. I just feel like going to university soon is going to take away all my opportunity to be lazy like this, you know? I know it's two years off still, but it's kind of... impending."

She nodded her special way, like she understood completely, and I breathed a sigh of relief. "If you say so, Daniel. Just... spend some time with us, too, alright? Uni will take some of that away, too. Your brother, father, and I are planning on playing Monopoly tonight, if you want to join us." She stood and ruffled my hair before waving and closing the door behind her.

"Alright, Mum." I mumbled. I turned back to see Phil's face, smiling brightly. I smiled back and pressed play.

The next day I had work, nine to two. After work, I found Mum sitting on the couch, staring at the wall. My brother was attending summer school, and my dad had work, so she usually occupied herself during the day, cleaning or shopping or watching soaps. What was she doing?

"Mum?" I closed the door behind me, snapping her out of her daydreaming.

"Daniel,"

"What are you doing? Are you okay?" I stood at the door, slightly nervous. The look on her face had me worried, like something was wrong.

"Dan... sit down." Slowly, I crossed the room, holding eye contact, and sank down into the couch. "Dan, honey, I'm going to ask you a very- strange question."

"Alright." I could feel my heart rise into my throat. I hadn't done anything wrong recently, had I? Why was I so worried?

"I want you to answer me honestly, Daniel. I love you no matter what, I'll just be very, very disappointed. Which, really, is a stretch. I'm rarely disappointed in you."

"Alright, Mum, what is it?" My heart started pounding, filling my ears.

"Dan, are you-" she shifted uncomfortably. "I've just been thinking about how you've been watching those videos so often, and you seem really intrigued by that one boy-"

"AmazingPhil?"

"Yes, AmazingPhil. I just can't help but wonder..."

"Mum, are you insinuating I'm gay?" The pounding was unbearable; I could feel my face turn hot. How long was this conversation going to last?

"Well, or bisexual, or whatever they call it."

"No, Mum. I very much like girls. Only girls." I swallowed thickly, remembering back to the one time I almost lost my virginity to Mary Anne Helm freshman year. (I chickened out, of course.) Was that far back enough to use as leverage and not get in trouble for? Wait, God, what am I thinking? There's no argument. I like girls.

Mum nodded, not completely convinced, I could tell, but somewhat satisfied. "Are you sure, Daniel?"

I nodded profusely. "Yes, Mum. The thought of- that- is just gross to me, honestly." I lied, partially. It wasn't necessarily off putting, but anything was okay to get her off my back.

She nodded again, satisfied, and smiled brightly at me, patting my knee.

Heading back to my room, I decided it would be best if I only watched his videos when he uploaded. Just to set my mum's mind at ease.

I sat on my bed all night, scrolling through Phil's MySpace instead. I almost messaged a few times, but I couldn't get the nerve built up to hit the send button. My hands shook as I deleted each message I wrote.

Why would he even message back? He was the most special person I'd ever seen. He was filled with life and vibrancy and humor and creativity. He was living; the idea of Life itself filled him and spilled over. He was on fire, blazing and beautiful, not going out.

I was none of those things. I was dying. I was the certain idea of Death. The child of Time and destructive thought. I was not on fire.