Sammuel Pickett

Stupid Words

Date: 1/26/12

Time: 4:24 p.m.

Entry: #4

Have you ever fucked up so bad. That you wish that you could just go back and time and just beat the shit out of yourself? That’s how I feel right now, I just want to go back to three days ago and kick my own ass. If only I hadn’t said this stupid words. If I had just-

Hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself here again. I need to explain things before I start myself loathing again.

So techs, I’m supposed to be cleaning instead of writing. But I don’t think Daniel remembers that he ‘hid’ my journal in his closet last week when he burst into my room and saw me writing in it. It’s been a week. A whole fucking week has passed since I’ve been grounded and during that week, I’ve managed to extend my punishment twice(which is two weeks each) and make Daniel so mad that he doesn’t come back here unless to give me orders to clean something or to give me food. Not good food either, everything and I mean everything was veggie related. Even the drinks, carrot juice or veggie smoothies, just thinking about it makes me want to hurl. I get he’s mad and he have every right to be. I shouldn’t have said what I said but I was mad, people say dumb things sometimes when they are mad. I didn’t mean it when I told him he had no right to say anything about my life when he couldn’t control his. I didn’t mean it when I told him he was jealous because no would ever love him and that’s why he slept around to fill the void in his chest. I didn’t mean it when I told him I didn’t need him, that I was fine on my own.

I didn’t mean it.

I swear, I didn’t mean it.

Oh god, did I not mean it but it’s too late. 

By the time we both had time to cool our heads it was already too late, everything I said couldn’t be taken back. It had already sunk down into the depths of Daniels mind. Nothing I could say could erase the tiny doubt that would live with for the rest of his life. Nothing. Just thinking about how I hurt him so makes me cry. I can’t believe I said that to him. If I he would have said that to me I would have literally died. My heart puff gone. I wouldn’t be able to forgive him at all.

I’m sorry Daniel, but I don’t think I could. I couldn’t be able to forgive you. Ever. It may seem hypocritical because I want Daniel to forgie me more than anything but I couldn’t cope if he said those words to me. I’m not strong enough to take them. It may seem overdramatic but if he told me that I’d probably kill myself that. (So I hope and pray that he doesn’t because I love my life. No matter how much shite the world throws at me)

What makes all this worse he went to apologise to Franklyn on my behave. He explained everything to him, taking much of the heat from the young boy. I could just imagine what the boy had to say about him when he saw him. I’m sure it must have been painful, to defend the person value while remember the hateful they said to because of the person across from you. I don’t doubt that Daniel just wanted punch the shit out of him and tell him it was all his fault that we were fighting. That if he only kept his mouth shut then none of this would have happened.

But Daniel knows how much it means to me to have people that treat like everyone else, and Franklyn is one of those people. So he sat there keeping his feelings in check as he desperately tried not to kill the teenage boy in front of him.

Do you see how much Daniel cares for me? And I those words to him. Those stupid stupid words. I don’t even know when he’ll start talking to me again. I’ve lost count on how many times I have apologised since then but neither the one before that one or the one then did nothing but made him nod his head and go about his work. As if the words I was saying meant nothing. The last time I had gotten into a fight this bad was a few years ago when I told him I didn’t need him to follow me around when I went outside, that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself for a few hours,(I mean he already had a fucking tracking device embedded under my skin, what more does he need? A few blocks away from home without his supervision wouldn’t kill me). But the thing is, Daniel needs people to depend on him. For him it what makes him feel whole. It makes him feel needed, cared about and most of all important. That he was actually put on this earth to do something instead of being a major fuck up,(his words not mine. Daniel could never be a fuck up, no matter what he does.) And to have me not needing him anymore. It hurts him. Which in turns hurt me. What hurts Daniel hurts me, I hate when he gets hurt,(oh the fucking irony).

I'm done.

I’m sorry but I don’t think can write anymore. All this talk of Daniel just makes me miss him more. I just, I can’t, I’m done. Sorry, but I just want to curl up in Daniel sheets, bury my head in them and breath in his essence. To pretend that when Daniel gets home he’s not going to look at me with guarded eyes and ask me to leave his room. That he’s not going to slip out of my bed at night when he thinks I’m fine sleeping alone again. When I’m not. I’m never okay with Daniel leaving me. All I want is to be in his arms again. Daniel’s strong warm arms around me while we sleep until tomorrow.

I just want Daniel.

- Sammuel Pickett