And These Are The Songs I Write

outerspace / 5 seconds of summer

this is sensitive is some parts, but please listen to what I say. "You can't just let your star fall out of the sky, it has a long time to shine yet."
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I can't seem to catch my breath. Everything spins around me and if you asked me if I knew where I was, I'd have no clue. All I see is darkness and quickly become drenched by the pouring rain. The rain, it makes the tears fall faster.
Somewhere along the line, I thought it'd be good for me to go for a run. To run away from my mind, to run away from everything here.
Tonight is new for me, what someone might call a dark night. Everything is going wrong and it's all my fault. While many people pass as I slowly walk alone, it feels as though there's not another person for miles.
I've been running since dusk and now I can barely see a thing. I find an empty park bench like one would do in a movie and can almost imagine a car driving past real fast, making sure to splash the puddled water at me.
I lean my head forward, trying to ease the aching feeling that never goes away.
Alone, alone, alone. You are alone.
There are voices all around me, and I feel a hand on my shoulder.
And when I look, I want to keep running. I was running from him, from everything, and now he's here. He couldn't possibly be.
"Are you alright?" Ashton's voice shakes, almost as though he's been out in the cold rain longer than I have been. I look away, shaking my head. Of all people, he should be the one to know that I'm certainly not alright roaming the streets of London in the middle of the night.
"Go away." My head spins and my words slur because I never could have imagined saying those words to someone who once held my world together, now it's falling apart.
"I can't just leave you here, jesus it's 3:30 in the fucking morning. Are you insane?" His hand falls off my shoulder, leaving his heat of anger beneath it. I stand from the soaked bench, sprinting as fast as my legs can bare. I can't do this, any of this.
"Come back! I'm trying to help!" His voice echoes through the park, letting everyone become aware of what's going on.
I run and run but my legs are worn out for the night and won't let me go much farther. And next thing I know, my weak body is collapsing into Ashton's arms. He holds me tight, telling me it'll be okay, but I know it's not.
I close my eyes and pretend Ashton knows. His soft voice repeats "You're okay,you're okay" and I almost believe him.
He guides my frail body to a part of the park I surely passed 10 times tonight, and we lay down in the cool grass together.
"I want you to tell me what's going on." His voice is low and he doesn't look at me, only at the stars above us.
"Ashton, I can't tell you." I try my best to take a deep breath, I still can't breathe though.
"Don't tell me then, tell the universe." He points to the lighted sky in awe. It is a breathtaking view, maybe something special  for a different time. I look out to the stars Ashton had pointed at. They all line up in a special pattern like they were meant to be in that small space, almost as though they were hand picked.
My tears slow as I look around and try to understand. I think I'm ready.
"Ashton." I mumble, hoping he can't even hear my delicate voice.
"I'm listening." His gaze is still captured by the patterns of the sky.
"I wanted to end my life tonight." I let it out. I let it all out.
I expect him to make a smart comment like exes would, maybe say something relatable, I don't know. But he just sits there, no words, no opinions. He just stares into space. I almost forget the words had left my mouth when he turns on his side to look at me, rubbing his large thumb over my wet cheeks.
"Do you see what's all out there?" He points back to the stars, the same set he just showed me.
"Well, I bet you wouldn't believe me if I told you each star represents a different person here on earth. A star is placed there in the Milky Way when you're welcomed to your new life, and the same star follows you each and every day on your own journeys. It doesn't leave until necessary, when you also depart." He takes a deep breath, I think he may be crying now.
"So? What does that have to do with me and you right here?" I'm so angry that he doesn't understand, I'm so angry that he put me into this.
"Without one of the stars, the night sky doesn't light up as much. With not as much light, children are afraid of the dark and people don't get home safely. You're apart of the plan, a huge part of it for that matter. You can't just let your star fall out of the sky, it has a long time to shine yet."
I close my eyes, I can't look at any stars right now. Why did Ashton ever have to hurt me? If he was still the same sweet guy I met at the amusement park a few years ago, I'd believe him right now. I'd believe that I'm a star in the universe, lighting the dark night's sky. I'd believe I have a purpose to go on. But this is Ashton today, Ashton who has lied to me, Ashton who has made me feel like this, Ashton who is the reason I am where I am tonight. I can't trust this Ashton anymore.
"I know what you're thinking." His thick accent cuts right through my thoughts, he knows what he's doing. "I just want to say I'm sorry," he sniffles away his tears, I don't want this to happen, not here, not now,"I never meant anything I said to you. It kills me to see you like this, and knowing I'm the reason why makes it a thousand times worse. You're the most beautiful girl in the world and I don't know why I messed that all up. You're not a just a star, you're the whole fucking universe. I-I know I can never fix my mistakes but goddamn I know how much I regret them. Just give me a chance." This is what it's come down to, Ashton and I laying in the park at 3:30 in the morning, pointlessly crying to each other when we both know it'll mean nothing when the sun rises.
Part of me believes he's telling the truth, that he wants to fix all of this. The other part of me is telling me to run as far away as possible, only if my legs could function right now.
I can't look at him, only the stars for right now. I've never felt like this before, completely sad but somewhat happy.
"Ashton, no one's ever cared about me as much as you do." I'm dizzy, my head's been spinning since before I left. I'm not exactly sure if this is right, but something is telling me it is.
"So, is this you giving me my second chance?" Ashton pouts, and I almost genuinely laugh. I haven't done that in a while.
"Maybe." I lean over him and can't hold back from smearing my lips across his collarbone. I've missed this particular dip in his skin, somewhere that's always been a ticklish spot for him. He giggles and raises my head to a higher part of his neck.
I remember this first time I did this action, it was in the back of his car after our first date. Only difference was that time it was what I wanted, this time is what I needed. To be truthful, I've missed Ashton. I've missed Ashton more than anything and I was too selfish to realize it.
Our lips connect for the first time in months and I feel it. Ashton is my castaway I've been searching for, he's been here all along.
"Maybe we should go somewhere dry, yeah that'd be a good idea." Ashton holds my face in his hands, laughing at how drenched we are.
"No, I like it here." I look back to the stars, airplanes pass by in the sky.
"You're kidding." He impatiently pulls me from the ground, picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder. No matter how hard I kick, he still takes me to his car, carefully lifting me into the passengers seat. He doesn't even turn the ignition, we sit in the silent dark.
"Thank you." I manage to break the silence, I need to.
"I'm always there for you, you know that." His large hand rests on my thigh.
"I'm serious. If you wouldn't have found me, I couldn't even tell you what would've happened. I can't thank you enough." I start to cry again, damn I'm so emotional.
"I'm just glad I did find you. I couldn't bare losing you again." The rain hits the windows louder than before and silence overtakes us again. Nothing awkward, always grateful.