“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of Snuff, the show at the end of the road! I hope you’ve had a wonderful day of anticipation, because tonight’s the night! Tonight’s the night where you can vote for the outcome of this particular specimen! Roll him out.”
The squeak of rusted metal wheels.
“Mmmphfrg-!”
“Say hello to our guest performer for today! Frank here knew what he was getting into when he signed up. He knew that, out of the hundred people, there was a chance it would be him. Tut! Stop squirming, honey, you’re not slippery enough to get out of those… yet.”
Laughter.
“Now let’s see… what the viewers voted for today. We will pick the top three methods voted for tonight, and gosh! Are these creative…
“So the first, as voted for by twelve percent of the public, was disembowelment by katana. How classical! Geoff, fetch us the weapon of choice. Now, what do you think about this particular tool, Frankie?”
“MMMMMMMFFFHhh…”
“The katana, or samurai sword, is a traditional Japanese weapon renowned for its sharpness and strength. The first models were constructed around the fifteenth century, during the Muromachi shogunate period. Often, the sword would be matched with a smaller weapon, and this pair of weapons would be referred to as a daishō . Wielding two weapons was seen as a symbol of rank for the samurai of the 16th century.
“In recent years, though, the production of new weapons has been severely limited due to legislation. And so, the blade that I am now holding in my hand is an extremely rare creation, made within the last two years by one of the last traditional sword-smiths in Tokyo. Isn’t that an honour, Frank? Now hold still.”
“NmmmphhhHOUUUAMMMMMMM-“
The sound of something wet slapping against hard ground.
“Now there, that wasn’t so bad, was it? You could afford to lose some guts, after all. Give the guy some morphine, and don’t slip on those. Can’t afford to have him lose consciousness, after all!”
A wink at the camera, and audience laughter.
“Next up was… the hammer. Well that’s a bit sadistic, folks! Twenty percent of people voted for this little guy. Not a lot I need to say about him, just that he can certainly deliver an impact, which I’m sure Frank will be able to attest, although it’s not Mjolnir. Let’s see how much kinetic energy I can transfer to his face!”
“Mmmfhu-!”
Thwuck, clatter.
“Well, that certainly should have loosened your tongue. And maybe a few of your teeth, eh? ”
Laughter.
“Well, aren’t you a state. You signed up for this, Frank, you took the money! You bought a nice car, maybe had a sweet holiday to California with your wife and children, so this is only fair! But no, I can see it in your eyes, past the tears and blood – you wish it was someone else. You’re in hell. Room 101. Only, in this place, you don’t even get the choice to swap with a loved one. You’re going to have to face your excruciating death head on… which leads us to…
“Combustion! The final method, and perhaps the most painful! We haven’t had the option for this in a long time, so today a whopping forty percent of our regular viewers voted for this option!
“Today we will perform this final rite to you via blowtorch (to UK viewers, that’s blow-lamp). This machine was originally used for the moulding of gold or silver, but has for today been re-purposed. We are using propane for the ignition… there. Any last words, Frank-o?”
“Mmphf-“
“No? Didn’t think so. Here’s a little something to… light your way. Go with God.”
The audience, howling with laughter. Black and brown smoke, the crackle of fat, and muffled shrieks.
“That’s all we have time for, folks! Tune in next week for another great episode of Snuff, the show at the end of the road!”
