Heathens-Joshler

11

[Trigger Warning: Suicide mention, flashbacks, violence mention]

 I'm back to IVs and feeding tubes, constant reminders of what I've done. They're checking on me every half hour during the night now.

I don't talk for a solid week. Since I told Josh I love him, I don't have much else to say.

Josh sticks with me through it all. They let him bring his food up and eat with me, in my room. Even if we don't talk, or touch, he just sits by me. Sometimes he cries silently, always wiping his eyes when he sees me looking. It breaks my crooked little heart.

Finally I find a way to get the words out. "I never wanted it to be like this. I'm sorry." I say, as I watch Josh sniffle softly and wipe tears from his cheeks.

He meets my eyes. "Don't apologize, Ty." He says. "It's okay. I'm just happy that you're alive." He chokes up a little and hides his face in his hands. I go to him, leaving my bed and pulling the IV machine behind me. I pull him into my arms. The bandages on my wrists sting at the contact, but I don't care.

He sobs. "You shouldn't be comforting me. I should be comforting you."

I smooth his hair back. "It's okay, Josh." I whisper. "It's okay. I'm here. I wanted to leave, and I still think I should have finished the job, but if you want me, if you need me, I'll stay. I'll stay with you. And we'll both be so happy." I'm tearing up too, now.

"You shouldn't have finished the job. You shouldn't have started the job at all!" He cries. "I-I-I-"

"Josh, it's okay. I'm okay."

He shakes his head against me. "No. No, it's not. I can't save you, Tyler." He sobs this last part out, and I know that it's hard to say.

"That's okay, Josh. I can't save you either. But we'll do our best, and that's all that matters. And that's enough. You're enough for me, okay? You're all I need, and you do everything you can, and I know that. And I love you for it." It still feels weird to say it out loud. We haven't said it again since that one time, when I was barely conscious. Sometimes I secretly worry that his love for me wore off, that he doesn't love me anymore. I know I'm crazy though. And insecure. And broken.

I start to feel weak, so Josh helps me back to my bed, guiding the IV machine behind me. He tucks me under the covers like I'm a little kid, and fluffs my pillow a little bit. Then he smooths my hair back from my face. It's getting a bit shaggy again. He kisses my forehead. "I love you, Tyler. I don't want to live in a world without you in it." He pulls the chair up so it's right next to my bed and lays his head on my stomach. I play with his hair, and he closes his eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Josh. I didn't think it would hurt you." I whisper.

He lifts his head at that. "You didn't think it would hurt me?"

"A little pang, maybe. I thought you'd be glad to be rid of me."

"That's crazy talk." He says, and his eyes brim with tears again. "Of course it would hurt. You're my favourite person, my best boy, my...Tyler, you've become my everything, and it scares me, but it's true. Never think I'm better off without you. If you kill yourself, I will too. I'll come to meet you in the afterlife, and if there isn't one, well, at least I won't have to live in a world without you in it." He holds my hand in both of his, careful about my bandages, and kisses my hand over and over again.

"Don't talk like that, Josh. I don't want to think about you...doing that."

"I don't want to think about you doing it either. But I've been through it. And it may just be the most I've ever hurt."