Poems By A Depressed Girl

Why?

Why?

I ask myself this question every day.

Why?

Why do something?

Why try?

Why wake up?

Why breathe?

Why live?

Why?

Just. Why?

One single word.

One word that has so much meaning.

So many ways of using it.

So many people ask me,

"Why?"

The sarcastic side of me says, "Why not?"

But the other side,

It asks myself this question also,

"Why?"

Every day, every hour, every second that I live, that Little voice says,

"Why?"

If I say something wrong or put it in the wrong way,

The loud voice, that started out so little, getting louder and louder with time,

It's gotten so loud I can't even think,

So loud, reminding every time I make a mistake,

It gets louder.

It gets so loud, that every time I mess up,

it screams at me,

"Why did you do that?"

Saying, if I say something wrong,

"Stupid. Why did you say that? Now they're gonna hate us. You're so stupid."

But when the voice gets to me,

The horrible thoughts come back.

The thoughts of all the "Why's" come forward,

"Why live?"

"Why make everyone hate you more?"

"Why don't you just kill yourself?"

"Why keep hurting everyone you talk to?"

"Why annoy people with your presence?"

"Why?"

Then, the other voice comes in, quiet compared to the first voice.

It says, with so much sadness,

"Why don't we make everyone happy and just do what they're all thinking?"

"Why don't we just take the blade and cut so deep all we can do is die?" 

Then, the loud voice comes screaming at me,

"Why don't you make everyone's life better and stop being a burden on them?"

"Why not make yourself bleed out?"

They both start screaming out,

"Why not do it?"

Over and over again,

Simultaneously,

Without hesitation,

"Why not do it?"

Getting louder each time.

"Why not do it?"

"Why not do it?"

"Why not do it?"

I start to ask myself the same thing,

"Why not do it?"

When I can't think of a reason not to,

I walk to the bathroom,

 I close and lock the door.

I get a shaving razor and break it to get a blade.

I take a light in the bathroom,

I light it,

I make the blade hot.

Just as I'm about to press the burning hot metal to me my aching flesh,

The smallest voice, basically drowned out by the rest,

So small and filled with hope,

Quietly, it says,

"Why are you doing this?"

"Why would you hurt the people who care so much?"

"Why are you going to make them go through that pain?"

It starts saying the name of the people who care for me.

When it finished, it starts saying the things I would miss out on, if I died,

"Weddings, children, grandchildren, going to school, getting a degree, falling in love."

Then the other two voices laugh,

"Why would anyone want her? I feel sorry for the person ends up with her."

I can feel my face heating up and my eyes getting watery,

I look down and close my eyes.

As I close my eyes, I feel the single tear land on my wrist.

I light the lighter again and make the blade hot again.

I move the burning blade closer and closer to my aching wrist.

Just as the blade was about to meet the flesh on my wrist,

I heard them,

The voices of everyone who cares about me,

The loudness of their voices together drown out the first few voices,

All of their voices together made my hand freeze.

I could feel the heat of the blade on my skin,

So close, just one little move and it would touch my wrist.

"STOP!"

They all screamed at me.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING! YOU CAN'T LEAVE US! PLEASE DON'T HURT US!"

I took my hand away,

Far away.

I put the lighter back. 

I flush the blades of the broken razor.

I went back to bed and closed my eyes,

But I couldn't fall asleep.

So I sat up and looked at the clock

It read 5:47 AM

So I got up and got ready for school.

I went back the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

I stared into my own eyes.

I looked down at my hands and then back up to my eyes.

My red, puffy eyes, from crying, looked so sad and broken.

In that moment.

I said the only word I could think of.

"Why?"

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End.