Cancer

cancer-noun

Cancer. A word that kills people. A word that brings fear into people's day to day life. Many people have had it or will have it- that's just facts. 

It's a noun, meaning it's a person, place, thing or idea.

Cancer is a disease being caused by an uncontrollable division of abnormal cells. A growth or tumor because of the division of abnormal cells.

And guess what? I have cancer.

--------------------------

I have thyroid cancer to be exact. That means I have an oxygen tank that I must wheel around with me, and tubes in my nose to help me breathe. 

People tell me I shouldn't worry, that I'm not in a bad state so far, the chemo is working, the medicines seem to be working perfectly fine... I don't believe that. 

I have 3,418,684 fans out there, all over the world, caring and praying about me. They are the ones that care more than my doctors, the nurses, my brother who is high almost everyday, my super religious sister than seems to have more time to take care of her husband and four kids and soccer schedules than her younger sister that is slowly dying at the age of eighteen.

And it's frightening.

I'm terrified every time that I fall asleep that I'll wake up in the hospital room because my roommate Becca found me not breathing in my bed. That if I take out the tubes for a few minutes I may get huge repercussions. 

And I'm terrified about leaving my fans.

They are the ones that care oh so much and want to see me better again like five months ago where I was running down the street and carrying Tyler Oakley, or snorting peprika with Zoella and Louise for a new challenge thanks to Joe. 

But that's when things changed.

Once I was diagnosed my apartment was full of friends, youtubers to my Starbucks baristas that I have loved for the four years of living in LA with my sister to moving in with Becca and Vanessa. People were worried sick, and I told them not to be. I wanted things to be normal again, everyone to be calm and relax. Everyone to just come over and watch Orange is the New Black, to see my family again and not be pitied every time I coughed or sneezed because my cat allergies. 

And now here I am.