uhm there's some sad stuff in here you are warned..
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it is Wednesday , July 20th. i've decided to write about stuff. i guess daily life ¿? struggle ...
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basically at the moment it is 2:18 am . my internet bestfriend has gone to Cuba with her family and she's been gone for 3 days. i hope she's okay , and is having so much fun. my brother has gotten a dog , breed ; husky : small, blue eyes, grey. she's so adorable , her name is khaleesi. s/o to her.
it gets depressing after this js js.
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i am resolving my anxiety lately with music. trying to cope with it honestly. i've spent more time with my family. which is good. i think. but last year starting july or ending i believe i received bad depression. . i didn't want anyone to know but then i was scrolling through instagram as usual . i stumbled across @ harry.stfu account and she posted a group hashtag on kik. named : #greenhairdontcare b/c of zayns green hair. basically there i met people who i never thought i would find . i found my best friend there. her name is J(no real names sorry) . gosh she is so amazing. she helped me after so many tears. so many anxiety attacks. cutting(small). scratching, pulling hair, breathing fast, starving myself. everyone would tell me i was getting skinnier. of course i disagreed. i was very insecure. i still am . so much. but i would starve myself. it's not that i knew i just did. i didn't want to care. but i did because of others. so i ate . and i hated myself after it. /:
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but before i met her . i met someone else. June 13th . i met a boy . he was just cool and funny at the time right , he knew almost a lot of me . i didn't tell him about myself til later on . but i was yeah.
he was so cool. and funny. and he was cute. beautiful. just . i still speak with him til this very day. he now has a girlfriend. but before all that we were i don't know. we say i love you a lot. we make sure ones okay . i care for him a lot. it scares me one day just thinking about losing him . i cried. once. so bad. the thought wouldn't leave. was just there. i just love him so much. he means so much to me. he doesn't know that. he thinks he does. but no i love him so much more worth. we've argued who loves one more. of course i would start it because in all honesty i do love him more. cause if he did he would be mine. but he's not. i'm so invisible. invincible. he has her. that's not me in his heart and mind. it's always gonna be her for who knows how long. it's always her. sometimes i just wanna stop talking to him. let him be. let him love her. watch him love her. see them love each other. but what kills me more is when he says he loves me , he's still with her. he's not mine. he's her. i just don't understand. he needs to fix that. and i don't wanna break what we have even though it's fucking horrific. it's just bad. i know it. it is. i can't help it. i love him. i hate when he takes too long to respond. fuck the first time i heard his voice. that's when i knew he was just ugh. everytime he does some dumb fucking shit it makes me so angry. we used to talk so much. like every fucking day we do but not much . if we do it's just bitter. like we're ending. like it's coming to an end and that makes me so fucking upset.
i don't deserve him. i don't she needs to make sure who he is speaking with. because i know it's not just me. i know. /:
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every night it's the same , i think it over and over when can i be normal. when everyone tells me. "why can't you be a normal girl?" "why are you like this?" "why couldn't you just be normal like your sister/brother?" i ask myself that too . because i hate who i am . i hate that i have to put up with all of this. i hate breathing. i hate suffocation. i hate things. if i'm happy for a short time there's always the darkness coming to overpower that. and i just let it because i'm so used to it. i shouldn't be used to it. i know. but i am.
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the constant, "what happened to you?" "you used to be nice!" "you used to help around!!" i'm so sorry that i stopped i honestly am but depression stopped me i didn't care any more. I hate that. ive tried lately i help here and there. i just miss when i didn't want to care. i was just there. now i'm here trying. i'm trying .
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He still very much owns my heart. Why? I don't know. He just does. If he breaks it. He did. If he fixes it. It's there. Is the broken gone? No, it's still settled there. No matter how much someone wants to fix something they broke. It will never be like it was before. Reality.
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Another person who changed my life there's 4 actually. (: but i will talk about the other one next. Because she's the most important of them all.
My friend L (no real names sorry). She's so good. She's so beautiful. She just doesn't know it because of how much people have put her through. Man she's so smoll but it's cute. Okay. She's like your teddy bear that you cuddle at night when you're lonely and needy. She's always there for me. She just is. I met her last year but we've grown pretty close. And i couldn't be more happy that we did. She's made my moods lift up so much. So glad. She's gonna stay long i know. We haven't had arguments if we did it's about random shit. We mostly talk about ourselves really. She's shy at first and awkward (some say she isn't) but she's so funny and cool and dancing around a lot. We met because we had to sit next to each other being the only girls in that classroom. Haha. But she was always lit. But she's fragile too. Many bitch ass boys ruined her , girls too. I don't know why she insists on these guys they are all 1 month relationships . oops. She deserves much better than that. She does. She deserves a boy who will treat her like she's gonna die soon. As in always care for her and love her. You know? She deserves that. I love her a lot <3.
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Next is my best friend. My puta. My sister. My prima. (': we met 2 years ago woah. In a history class. In junior high. Ever since then we never had stopped being there for each other she knows all my secrets family too. I know all the stuff she's put through. She didn't need that. She needed me when she went through that. I wasn't there. I came late. Man if i knew her when she went through all that. I don't know what i would do . she just needed a friend to say stuff too. someone who wouldn't leave her. I never left her for the stuff she had gone through. I'm still her bestfriend. I tell her stuff i wouldn't trust my mom with. She just man she my bestfriend. You can't get rid of that. You just can't get rid of someone who knows so much about you and you to them. That's like killing yourself or a family member. She made me laugh so much. She still does. I love making her laugh and happy. It's a great feeling to make someone feel cared about and loved. Tell someone you care and they will feel so amazing. Trust me. (unless you hurt them, they hate you.)
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Point is never take those most important to you for granted. Just don't. Okay. It's not okay to not. /: now i don't know what the fuck this starting run up is but it's just about me and people i will talk about.
uhm so have a good day. tell everyone you love and care about them so much. they may need it. and for you , i love you , stay strong.
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conclusion 4:15 am .
