Me

I Am Broken

I am broken, I can't find things, I don't try, I don't care, I cry and I'm useless okay.. Sometimes y'know this earth could use one little human worth of space and all I have to do is end my life, that easy right? But I can't bring myself to do it, although it seems like a great solution I just can't. But they say I've changed... They say it like I don't know all of this I can't do anything I just a failure. I'm broken I've changed and I can't fix myself and I have no one to go to. I don't know who to talk too because it's too much. I don't feel that close to any of my sisters except for one but I don't know how to say it. How are they gonna help me fix myself? When they I used to be happy and I used to try and things like that I can't help but cry... I don't know who I am because once my brother.. He told me that he wanted the old Maya. How do I do that?

Want was the old Maya like because I can't remember.. I don't even know myself. And right now there are some major family problems going on between my sister and everyone else in the family...'my mom is a bad guy to my sister and my sister is a bad guy to my mom and everyone else but I see the both of them as the one I love. I've tried to be on both of their sides but I didn't know until now that I've chosen my sister over my mom... And I didn't know that it would ruin everything me and my mom were close and now we're far apart and I'm trying to change that and myself all at once but I don't know how okay? I don't know who's side to be on and life is so hard right now. I want everything to be happy again I what our relationships to be fixed... But what can one tiny growing twelve year old girl do? Here's the answer: nothing.

She can't do shit because she doesn't even know who she is. The only one thing I know about my past self is that I must've been so bright and so fragile that just a little bad... Or good influence could change me. But I don't see the change until someone showed it to me and then it made since. So they called me a chameleon and they don't know how bad that hurt... They didn't see me cried because I never let them and when I do let them see me cry I don't know what to say... I'm not that one to really open up. Everything is easier when I know that I won't have to face it the next day, or the next, or the day after that. So telling them how I feel could change everything... They make everything a big deal.. They put words in my mouth and they wouldn't understand me 'cause I never spoke up... I never did and I still haven't... someone has to speak of for me... I just don't know what to do right now and whatever any of you people... The ones who want to help me... Whatever any of you say it won't work... It won't fix anything...?

So see it my way.. Put yourself in my shoes, in my eyes, in my perspective and then see... The limited options you have because right now I have none.. What would you do... What would you do to try and fix anything because I haven't mentioned my dad have I...? I hate him.. He was never there so he's not an option to me... I've never opened up to him... I've never spoken to him.. Much of anything that's important to men because... I don't know.. They say I'm just like my sister now.. She was or is the bad guy and being like her means that I might just be one too... But how? I didn't even see it... I just didn't see it.. And now I do so what do I do? I'm so stuck I have no way to change it do I?