Roman sat, alone, staring blankly at his monitor. Almost every comment said: "I can't understand you." Or "you need subtitles.". A single tear escaped the corner of his right eye as he realized he would never be good enough. His English would always be the same and people would always mock his weight and he would forever be cursed because of the simple fact that he's Russian. He would never end up like leafy or pewdiepie. Roman would make light of all this shit on camera but off camera it all hit him back like a ton of bricks. Words hurt. No amount of irony could hide the sad reality. He looked down at his lap, his smile fading.
"Hey Roman." He heard someone say. He looked behind him and saw none other than him wonderful girlfriend. She wrapped her arms around his neck from behind and leaned over on his shoulder. "Having another one of those days?" She asked. He nodded and looked back down. "Hey cheer up loser." She laughed and nudged him a bit. He would laugh with her but he didn't. Her soft smile turned into a look of worry. "Come on Roman. You wanna talk to Niall or maybe make a video? Just get your mind off this?" He sighed, not responding. The truth is, he didn't want to talk to Niall because he was the one who always mocked his speech and weight and he didn't want to make a video because everyone would just tell him the same old shit. He wanted to just sleep or just maybe get away from his insecurities for once.
"Ksenia I think I'm just gonna go for a walk." He declared, getting up and putting his coat on.
'Irony can't cover up everything' he thought as he strolled through the wintery streets. He was almost done with college and still feared of not finding a job. Feared of losing his girlfriend. Feared of fading into society without making a single little dent in it. Feared he would just end up a nobody. I mean he was almost certain he would end up a nobody but that wasn't exactly what he would've preferred. The walk that he had took only made him realize more insecurities and doubts, not once helping him take his mind off of anything. So he walked back home, taking in the snow covered streets and houses, just incase this was the last time.
Roman stepped into his house, getting rid of his coat and boots. His girlfriend had been in the shower. He made his way to his room and laid on the bed, turning to his side. His focus landed on a bottle of prescription drugs, the ones his girlfriend used to sleep. Sleep. That's what he needed. Wanted. He took the bottle in one hand and poured out the pills in his other. He stared at them blankly trying to make sure this is what he wanted. His life flashed before his eyes. His childhood, his teenage years, his YouTube channel, his friends, Niall. The one who mocked him, it was all in good humor of course but that didn't mean it didn't hurt him. His YouTube channel. All the people who followed in Niall's steps and made fun of him too. Words hurt. He wouldn't have much to lose. Roman put the handful of pills in his mouth group by group until there was nothing on his hand. He rested his head on the pillow underneath him and closed his eyes. Moments had passed when his girlfriend started calling out his name through the house. Her foot steps getting closer and closer, louder and louder, his ears ringing more and more.
"Roman?" She was getting closer. "Roman??" Closer "Roman?" She was there. "ROMAN!" She ran towards him, immeadeatly noticing the empty bottle. He wanted to wake up and tell her that it would be ok without him there but he couldn't. Her screams sounded blurrier and blurrier and unconsciousness started to hit him. He took a breathe one last time hoping that maybe, just maybe, falling asleep would end all his problems. And with that... He was gone. Words hurt.
