Dave X John

Horror movie

The plan was made months in advance. Dave's brother was going to a convention in downtown Austin, and he would be gone for the entire weekend. Dave asked John to come to his house during Bro's absence.

TG: dude no you don't understand

TG: bros never out of the house if you wanna hang out and chill out we gotta do it now

EB: But like what if we get in trouble

TG: no dude we're doing this

TG: we're making this happen

TG: this is a once in a lifetime chance

TG: the planets are in alignment the cards are all in order your fuckin rising zodiac sign is in Gatorade

TG: the time is right dude

EB: fine but if we get attacked by smuppets i'm throwing you in the way

TG: oh shit egbert you would betray a bro like that

TG: you're gonna throw me to the dogs

TG: holy shit that's brutal

EB: You deserve it :B

TG: god egbert nothing is fair in love and war anymore

TG: do I mean nothing to you

EB: You mean as much to me as an ant to a bear

TG: damn alright then I'm never coming to your birthday party ever again i guess

TG: it was nice knowing you

EB: You'd come for my dad's cake and you know it

TG: listen egbert your dad is not that thicc

EB: DAAAVE!!

TG: your dad is unthicc

TG: if I ever saw your dad say "laughing my ass off" I would be confused because as far as I'm concerned he already did

EB: DAVE STOP!! D:<

TG: anyway see you at my place

TG: in 3 weeks on Friday

TG: bring the stuff

TG: drop off the meth at the rendezvous

EB: Dave I don't have any meth

TG: that sounds like a you problem buddy

EB: DAve, i'm leaving

TG: oh shit you're taking the kids

TG: I knew this day would come

TG: I shouldn't have signed that fucking prenup

EB: Bye Dave

TG: see you at my house eglord

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John did show up about three weeks later. It took a lot of effort to convince his Dad to let him fly down to Texas, but eventually he came around. John stood in front of a tall apartment building. Outside stood his best friend, Dave. Dave looked up and met John's eyes, but didn't approach him. He just remained loitering on the wall next to the entrance.

John ran up to him, smiling. "Hey, dave. This place..." john wiped his forehead before continuing. "Its so much hotter than DC"

Dave shrugged. "Now you know I wasnt dumb when I was complaining about how cold Washington is."

"I guess I'll give you that," John groaned. "Now come on, let's get inside! I'm gonna melt into the pavement if I'm here any longer..."

"Chill out, my guy. We got air conditioner. You don't gotta worry about your poor fragile washingtonian body spontaneously combusting in the middle of this urban street." Dave turned to the door and pushed it open. John followed, eager to get to a cooler spot.

---

"The elevator is for pussies, egbert."

Dave looked down at John, who was panting with exhaustion. "Dave," he wheezed, "it's so hot... and you're on the 43rd floor..."

John looked up at Dave, but Dave just shrugged. "Git Gud, son."

Dave proceeded to ascend the stairs, 3 steps at a time. By the time they got to Dave's apartment, John felt like his legs were going to give out. They felt like uncooked rigatoni.

"Damn dude." Dave pointed at his couch, which was worn with age. "Have a seat if you're so tired."

John obliged, flopping face down onto the couch and groaning. "Why did we even come to your house? What can we do here that we can't do at my place?"

"Can't have the good kush," Dave said from the kitchen.

John sits up on the couch. "What's kush? Is that, like... a food?"

Dave poked his head into the kitchen to stare at egbert judge mentally. "You're a fuckin idiot. You're the idiot of idiots."

"Its a valid question!"

"You're like- the idiot that idiots go to to get advice on being a worse idiot. You live in a stupid cave atop mount dumb-lympus. The patron god of fucking morons everywhere. When people make altars to give you offerings they let their animals shit on it because all you say is bullshit."

John picked up an empty dorito bag, balled it up, and tossed it at Dave's face. "Says the one scared of smuppets."

Dave frowned. "Fuck off." He turns into the kitchen. "Smuppets are cool..." he mumbled under his breath.

"Whatever you say Dave, the smuppets have left my mind gone to the planes of smuppet land to graze on 'that ass' -"

" Alright, alright, I get it, chum lord. Now, do you wanna know what we're gonna do or not?" Dave turned to John, arms crossed. The only hint of an expression on his face was the slight scrunch of his nose.

John pouted. "Just tell me already! i'm getting bored staring at your dumb face."

"I'm not the dork here, now hear me out." Dave raised his hands, gesturing as he explained the plan. "So, we're gonna watch a movie, and then we're gonna get stoned, okay? Okay."

John furrowed his eyebrows. "Wait what?! You mean like weed?!" he shrieked. "Dave, that's illegal!"

"No, I'm talking salad," Dave deadpanned.

John met Dave's stare, his expression unflattering. Finally, Dave threw his hands in the air, exasperated.

"Yes I mean weed you fuckin' dumbass, now pick out a movie. Nothin' with cage."

John leaned against the couch. "What do you mean no Cage? Cage is the bomb!"

Dave frowned. "Egbert," he said, staring at him for just a moment. "That is the dumbest thing you've ever said."

"He's the bomb dot com!"

"I'm begging you to shut the fuck up."

Welcome to the 1000 words club, starring thing 1 and thing 2 i.e. the dumbass and the whore (and no, I will not clarify which one is which)

☆《Sincerely, momogodofpeaches and disgraceRavenclaw (on AO3)》☆