Love Me At My Worst (Kylo Ren X Reader)

Chapter 24. Origin

Obviously this origin story isn't canon but this is just how I imagine Snoke took control of Ben.

Chewie became gradually more comfortable around you and Kylo as Kylo explained how Snoke gained control of him. A story that you hadn't even heard. Maz, Chewie, and you gathered around as he began retelling.

"Going to train with Luke was my dream. Becoming a great force master was my dream even from a young age. I grew up hearing my mother and father retell their adventures against the empire. When I finally was sent off to train, it was nothing like i imagined. I was a natural of course, that and the fact that i was Luke's relative made me a target for hatred and envy. I didnt have any friends, and i spent most of my nights alone in my tent." He gave a bitter smile.

"Eughhheeg!" Chewie said in protest.

"I would have told you guys, but i felt like Mother and Father would be disapointed if I came home over a few mean names and jokes." Kylo explained. "I didnt want to tell Luke either, because if he reprimanded them it would only get worse. So i hid out in my spare time, practicing on my own. In secret I was already stronger than my peers, but i kept it hidden."

Your heart panged for him when you thought of his younger self being bullied. His only friend was the force, and thats what shaped him. You reached out to take his hand and gave him a reassuring squeeze. He smiled at you and continued.

"I started to get these, really awful headaches. Theyd only start when i was completly alone. It felt as if my mind was being split open." You gulped as you anticipated what was coming next. "Then a voice started speaking to me, Youve probably guessed, but it was Snoke."

"GRAWGH!" Chewie said angrily, slamming his hand on the table in reaction to Snoke's name. You nodded in agreement.

You have no idea Chewie...

"He would whisper to me in the night, telling me that my parents were traitors. He told me how great my grandfather was, and how his only son betrayed him." Kylo's hand tightened around yours. "At first, I didn't believe a word. I tried in vain to push him from my mind. Every night accompanied with the ear splitting headaches he would come to me and attempt to convince me of his words." He sighed and out a hand to his head as if remembering the pain he went through. "After so long of this treatment, it just... stuck. I saw Luke in a new light. I stopped sending letters to my parents. And in training i became more ruthless. I guess the first clue for Luke was when i almost killed my peer in basic training. He didn't allow us to have our own lightsabers, but we were given long wooden sticks to fight with. I let loose on the boy, one of my previous tormentors, i broke the stick in the process of beating him with it."

"I'm so sorry love." You said caressing his arm." He nodded and stared at the ground.

"One night Snoke projected himself to me. He gave me my mask and told me to come with him. When I started to protest in the back of my mind he sent a powerful wave of pain to my brain and after that i was gone. Eventually i forgot that the true reason of my obedience was the fear of pain. That night he took me to forge my own lightsaber. The next day he named me leader of the Knights of Ren. It all happened so fast. One day I was Ben Solo, Jedi Apprentice. Then next I was Kylo Ren, Leader of the Knights of Ren. To insure nobody would rise against me, Snoke convinced me that it was necessary to dispose of my peers." You could see the tears threatening to fall in his eyes and you knew he was trying to stay stoic.

"You poor child." Maz said standing up and putting a hand on Kylo's shoulder. He shook her off lightly.

"I did horrible things. There is no need to feel bad for me. I was still myself when I killed all those students." He took a deep breath.

"Graaaawh." Chewie groaned and Kylo exhaled.

"When I first saw him walking towards me on that bridge i thought maybe i could go with you. But i was afraid. He helped me, he ignited the lightsaber." Maz and you gasped. Chewie let out a surprised sound.

"Kylo... You never told me he activated it." You said slowly. He nodded.

"I wouldn't have- I couldn't ignite it. I wouldn't have been strong enough. After much thought I realize he must have known if I didn't kill him that Snoke would kill me. He sacrificed himself for his son." Kylo said with full emotion.

"This changes everything." Maz said with a shaky voice. "The entire galaxy- your own mother thinks you killed him!" Kylo shook his head sadly.

"But I did. We should have never been in that situation in the first place. It was my weakness that killed him. My betrayal. My lightsaber." Chewie let out a sad cry. "That was when i started to actively shield my thoughts from Snoke. He doesn't realize that i'm stronger than him, because I've restrained myself. Then when i met (Y/N)," He smiled at you giving your hand a small squeeze. "I had a drive. Someone to protect, A reason to get away."

"Eugrawwwwh" Chewie quickly stood up and gave you a hug. His fur was soft and the hug was warm.

"Okay okay that's enough." Kylo chuckled as he pulled you away from the Wookie. Maz cleared her throat.

"What are you two planning on doing?" She asked while sitting across from you. You looked at Kylo and shrugged.

"Get away i guess. Somewhere to lay low."

"We actually need to sell the X-Wing we stole first. Then we can buy a better ship for travel." Kylo chimed in. "I figured you could help us find someone who wants it." He explained to Chewie.

"Graaawh" Chewie said looking at Maz.

"I know a guy who would be willing to trade a ship for it." Maz responded. "I would advice not telling him who you both are." She wisely said.

"Agreed." Kylo said nodding. "And (Y/N) and i don't have much money, can we stay here for the time being?"

"Of course!" Maz said before Chewbacca could respond.

"Grawwargh."

"He will take us to the trader in the morning." Kylo said translating.

"Cant believe you can understand him." You said grinning at them both.

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*Time Skip brought to you by SOL de Janeiro Brazilian Bum Bum Creme, because despite the name its a kick ass lotion. (Hehe, kick ass)*

"Kylo." You said patting him on the arm and sitting up on the makeshift bed. Kylo sat up next to you with a concerned look.

"Whats wrong?" He asked placing a hand on your leg. You shook your head.

"Nothing I'm fine, I just wanted to ask you something." His facial expression turned to that of confusion. The hand on your thigh was strong and reassuring.

"What is it love?" You frowned and looked down at the sheets.

"Do you- Well. Do you want me to call you Ben?" Realization hit him like a bus as he realized what you were asking him. He stuttered a bit before clearing his throat.

"If you want to? Its really i guess up to you." He struggled for a moment with the correct words before breathing out slowly. "You've only known me as Kylo."

"I have, but what do you want?" You asked earnestly. He held a breath for a few second in thought. Finally, he moved over on the bed so he was facing you, his hand never leaving your thigh.

"I want you to call me whatever makes you happy." He said looking into your eyes. "But if you really want my preference..." He looked down for a moment. "Kylo was a persona I took over as Necessity for the First Order. Now that we have left the First Order, I see no need to keep it." You nodded and gave him a sweet smile. You reached down to the hand on your thigh and held it in yours.

"Okay then... Ben." His face lit up in a smile.

"I like it when you say my name." He teased, leaning in closer to you. You pressed your smiling lips against his and pressed your body flush against his.

"I like saying your name." You murmured.