death of a conformist || phan

still 23 but a few months later

That night.
That night when Mel was out drinking with all her friends.
That night when it was chucking it down with rain and I could hear each heavy pit-pat on the roof.
That night when the doorbell rang at 9:46pm and I almost didn't answer it because I was really into the anime I was watching.
Mel wouldn't let me watch it when she was around.
She didn't get it.
The doorbell rang twice before I answered it.
I rolled my eyes, got up from the sofa and pulled the door handle.
In front of me stood a familiar face.
It had aged slightly with a dark circle under each eye.
Each breathtaking multi coloured eye.
Yet the spark that was once in them seemed to have disappeared.
"Phil?"
He stood there sopping wet with the rain pouring onto him.
He just stared at me with no emotion, breathing heavily and shivering slightly.
"What are you doing h-"
He pulled something out of his pocket and shoved it into my face.
"Why? What is this? What does it mean?" He asked. Desperation seemed to fill his voice.
In front of my face was my poetry book.
I looked deep into his eyes.
He looked deeper into mine as if he was truly trying to figure out something.
We stood in silence for a while until he nodded slowly and began to walk away.
"Wait," I said. He turned back around. "Come in for a second Phil or you're going to get hypothermia."
He seemed hesitant but agreed, stepping through the door and wiping his feet on the doormat.
He took his soaking wet coat off but hung on tight to the poetry book in his right hand.
I took his coat and hung it above the radiator.
I beckoned for him to follow me to the living room.
The TV was still on when we sat down on the sofa.
"Sorry." I mumbled, turning it off.
"Code Geass?" Phil asked. I looked to him.
"Yeah. You like it?" He looked to the floor and seemed to smile very faintly.
"Yeah."
Silence.
"So about the poetry book," I began. Phil's grip on his right hand became tighter. "I just found it. I thought I'd send it to you as I have no reason to keep it. I thought you could do what you want with it. You could've burnt it for all I care." He looked over to me.
"You had no reason to keep it?" He asked.
"No." I said. "I already have enough memories of my cheating ex boyfriend. I didn't need that to remind me of what you put me through." Phil's face fell.
"I'm so so-"
"You broke my fucking heart Phil," a lumped had formed in my throat and tears in my eyes. "And you didn't give a toss about it. I waited by my phone for weeks and the only call I get from you was telling me it was over. Because you'd found someone better. Then you blocked me out of your life. Quite literally. So you want to know what that poetry book means? It means fuck all. It means I want to get all the poison completely out of my life and that poison is you."
I turned my face away and scrubbed at my eyes with my sleeve, determined not to show that he still got to me.
"Dan, listen-"
"I think you should leave now, Phil."
"Just hold on-"
"What's done is done an-"
"JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND WOULD YOU?" I tuned back round to him, shocked. A look of almost irritation filled his face.
"I've never heard you swear before." I murmured.
"Well, things change don't they," He spat. I bit my lip. He looked at me and his face seemed to soften.
"I..."
"You?"
"I..."
"Just spit it out Phil."
"I never cheated on you." He quickly turned his face away.
It felt like my heart had stopped beating.
"What?"
He inhaled loudly and turned his face back to me. Exhale.
"I never cheated on you. I thought if we broke up it would be better, I wouldn't be holding you back. I lied to you. And I'm so sorry. I just wanted what was best for you. It was so stupid. I regretted it as soon as I did it but I knew you wouldn't want me back. So I left you. Stupidly, I left you. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm so sorry. I messed everything up." His face fell into his hands and his body started to shudder.
I was in complete shock.
I didn't know what to say.
I just sat frozen on the spot, my mouth too dry to form any words.
"I just wanted you to be happy. That's all I ever wanted. And I didn't think that would be possible with me so far away. You have every right to hate me. I know you hate me. I just wanted to explain. I just wanted you to know. I wanted you in my life. So badly. I missed you with all my heart. I was just trying to think of what would be best for you," he said. He lifted his face from his hands and looked around the room. "But then, maybe it was best for you. I mean, look at all this."
I looked round the newly furnished, modern house.
I looked at the plasma screen TV and the cream carpet.
Then I looked at Phil.
And my heart was telling me which one made me more happy.
But my head was telling me my hearts a fucking idiot.
"I'm getting married." I said.
Phil looked at me. For a second, his face looked kind of sad but then he smiled that lovely smile of his.
"Wow. That's... wow. Congratulations." He said.
"Thanks." Silence.
"I'm truly happy for you, Dan." I gave him a small smile. "What's his name?"
"Who's?" I asked.
"The guy you're marrying." Phil said.
"Oh, no. It's a girl. She's called Melissa."
Phil raised his eyebrows at me.
"Really?" He asked. I nodded. "Well, I mean, good for you. I guess."
"You guess?"
"Yeah... I'd better go. I just wanted to tell you all that. And ask about the poetry book. And I did that. So I'd better go."
"Okay."
He stood up and walked out of the room.
I followed.
He grabbed his coat.
He had the poetry book in his right hand again.
"It's okay if I keep this, right?" He asked me. I sighed then smiled up at him.
"Sure."
He nodded and put his coat on.
He opened the door.
"I mean... it was good to see you." He said.
"Yeah." I said.
He turned round to walk away but suddenly snapped back round and pulled me into a bear hug. I hesitated at first but then wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me.
It felt warm.
It felt like home.
We eventually pulled apart.
"Goodbye Phil." I said. He smiled at me sadly.
"See you Froggy."
He began to walk away.
"What?"
He turned back round.
"What?"
"What did you just call me?"
Phil bit his lip.
"Don't tell me you've forgotten."
"Just say it again."
"...Froggy?"
It felt amazing.
To hear that voice say the name he used to say so fondly.
To hear him say it to me.
The feeling was so good I did something I probably shouldn't have.
I ran outside, wrapped my arms round Phil's neck and kissed him.
It was selfish really.
I just wanted to feel that same amazing feeling.
But bloody hell I did.
At ten times the intensity.
He grabbed my waist and kissed me back.
I was practically glowing I felt so good.
I thought I was over him.
I thought I was happy.
But holy shit I had not felt this happy in years.
And I wasn't ready to give it up.