Catching Feelings

Chapter Fifteen: With Or Without You

Twenty minutes later, me and my father are sitting on my front porch in an uncomfortable silence.

The sun's still shining brightly which means my hair is mostly dry except for the ends, which are still slightly damp.

"I feel like you're waiting for me to say something even though it's clearly you're the one that wanted to talk when you called me here." My father says quietly.

I snort, "Sorry, the whole you-can-tell-me-anything parent concept is hard for me to understand. I spent most of my life without you, obviously."

He frowns, "Look Skylar, I know how it must look but-"

I cut him off with a wave of my hand, "Forget it. I know you're only saying that because you feel obligated to. And besides, we're not here to talk about the crappy father you've been, we're here because I want to move past this-this weirdness. I want to believe that you're not as bad as you think you are."

"I honestly don't know what to do to help you with that." He says honestly.

I shrug, "neither do I. I'm kinda new at this, but I'm guessing you start with baby steps, right? Like you're favourite colour and stuff like that."

He looks at me and smiles and I realize how many things I didn't get from him. Other than the shape of my nose and my jaw, I'm my mom entirely. Where he was brown haired with dull gray eyes, my mom had blonde hair and blue eyes.

But his eyes were different.

They held a heavy weight of arrogance, like he owned the largest amount of power and control and knew it too. They were cold like ice, much like mine, but his were scary. Because you could tell they've been like that for a while.

"I noticed you don't smile much," he says suddenly. "And the things that do make you smile aren't who you really are."

I look at him oddly but choose not to respond.

He looks at me, "I know you don't want to hear it, but I really am sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you like I should've been. I feel horrible when I realize you went through so much and I wasn't there to help you out. I'm sorry Skylar, but I'm going to try my best to make it up to you."

"You wouldn't have been able to know that she died," I say, understanding what he's referring to. "It's not your fault that she died. It's no one's fault but hers."

"I know that, but I should have been there to help you through it."

I don't respond; just bring my knees to my chest and rest my head on them.

"No response?" he says quietly, his voice slightly judgemental.

I shrug, "I honestly don't know what you expect me to say. You weren't there; it's as simple as that. You were never around, Malum. You feel bad because you feel guilty; if she wasn't dead you still probably wouldn't be here."

"I'm not going to lie to you," he replies, "I came here to talk to your mother and apologize. When I realized she wasn't here, I decided to stay because I thought you were going to need me, but it looks like you don't."

I shrug, "I have my friends, and my grandparents, and Derek. I don't really need anyone but myself, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to stay."

"You're family and friends may not be too happy about that," he says.

"Well it's not their choice to make. It's my decision because you're my family." I respond, my voice appearing calm and careless.

He stays silent for a moment. Then he says, "green."