The Weight Of Living

Just Fucking Kill Me

Death. I think about it a lot. Whether it's people I've lost, people other's have lost, possible ways to die, possible ways to commit, or just how much I want it, it's always death. If I think about life it ends up in death. If I think about me it ends up in death. If I think about thinking it ends up in death. It's a never-ending cycle. Sometimes, I let all the bad thoughts and pessimism and negative feelings wash over me, wanting to feel it. Others I push it all to the back of my mind and try to ignore it. Distractions.

Distractions. That's all it is nowadays. All the fun stuff in life, the stuff people do for enjoyment, that's just distractions from my thoughts. My terrifying thoughts that don't actually terrify me. Thoughts of a life somewhere else that isn't mine. Thoughts of guilt and hate and betrayal and fear and longing. Longing to be somewhere else, to be anywhere but here, trapped in my mind. Distracting myself gets harder and harder as the days go by.

For example, last week I went to Mallorca in Spain. Here are some of the stuff we did:
1. Saw real dolphins.
2. Swam in the sea.
3. Went to Formentor where there were loads of views because I was really high up.
4. Went to some caves called Caves de Draq (Caves of the Dragon)
5. Stayed on the beach for ages
6. Went swimming at the hotel
7. Swooned at one particular family. They had an ADORABLE little boy called Tom and a cute older brother my age called Matt. Their last name is James and they were just awesome. Probably the highlight of the entire thing.
8. Had trouble sleeping each night.
9. Worried about ghosts.
10. Missed Dan.
11. Flights there and back.
12. The jokes about food were constant.
13. Mallorca was really romantic.
14. And a lot more that wasn't particularly interesting to talk about.

Here's what I was thinking about during this stuff:
1. Dolphins - I could jump off the edge of the boat and drown myself. Oh wait dolphins are compassionate they'd save me and *it would cost my parents a fortune to transport my dead body back to England.
2. Sea swimming - I could drown myself right now and it would all be over. Refer to *
3. Formentor - There was a RIP message on one of the walls. I couldn't stop thinking about it. If I was alone in that place I'm almost certain I would've jumped. It would have been certain death, if you were wondering - no chance of survival.
4. Caves - I'm highly claustrophobic, I'll point out. I was freaking out and wanted to die whilst marvelling at the beauty of the rocks.
5. When I'm in one place for too long, I get fidgety and my mind gets restless. I thought about death again and got sunburnt despite wearing 60 layers of sun tan cream.
6. Everytime I went swimming I wanted to drown.
7. Okay yeah I'm gonna be honest here and say I told myself I wasn't good enough for Matt and that Tom would run away screaming if I approached him. I was such a stalker and I hated myself for staring.
8. Insomnia. Thoughts kept me awake. Linking to 9, thoughts of ghosts kept me awake. I'm easily freaked, okay?
9. See above.
10. Dan. I never stopped missing him. Again, linking with the ghosts, at some points I felt like he was with me there. His spirit. Probably all my imagination but whatever.
11. Plane - again, I'll remind you I'm highly claustrophobic. I don't think I need to say much else. I freaking hate flying.
12. Constant food jokes - made me feel fat and self conscious. Well, I already am both of those things, but it made me feel fatter and more self conscious.
13. Romantic - I love love and I miss having a relationship and I was really lonely.
14. Everything else - my mind was just clouded throughout.

So yeah. My holiday was amazing, thanks for asking. *cheesily fake smiles*

God someone help me. This is gonna be my journal now by the way. I'll rename it to 'The Weight Of Living' because Bastille.