Trigger warnings: Contains mentions of self-harm, suicide, and general angsty stuff. If you ever need to talk, please message me, becasue I will try to help you
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Dear Phil,
You know I love you, yet you're still leaving. I know you love me too, only love could make your eyes sparkle like they do. Oh, how they sparkle. It's like looking at a fire. You love me, or maybe I'm just delusional, imagining the things I want but know I will never have.
You still leave me though, even though you know I'm vulnerable.
Scared. Weak. You know I can't fend for myself. You know I can't live alone. Or maybe you don't know that. Maybe I'm just imagining the times that I thought I told you.
You make me feel happy when no one else can, make me feel like no one can hurt me, even though that's all life does. All life does is fuck me over, but when you're with me, I feel like it can't anymore. You make me feel slightly more sane, and the same as everyone else for once, but you still leave me. You know this is how you make me feel, but you're still going. Or maybe you don't know. Maybe you didn't notice the way I look at you, the way my eyes smile at you even when I look sad.
Whenever I'm down, I know that you'll help me feel better, but how can you make me feel better if you're not here? I wish you could answer that. I wish I could answer that. You make me feel so much better, but you don't realise, or maybe you do, but you just don't think it's important in any way.
You can still make me feel happier, but you mainly make me feel worse. How can someone who's not there do that? I think I really do love you.
I think I love you a lot.
How could I not love you? You're the best friend anyone could wish for, ever. Or at least, you were... I still count you as my best friend, my only friend, even if you don't feel the same way anymore. You're top of the list of one, you're my only friend, and now you're gone.
Where did I go wrong?
Did I go wrong? I probably went wrong.
It was probably me.
If something happened between us, I didn't realise, and this time it was my carelessness, my failing to notice what was going on around me, not yours.
Everything is generally my fault. I just don't see what I've done in this situation... Was it because I was always so distant?
I'm sorry about that, I was just sad. I just didn't want you to know.
Was it because I stopped talking to you? I'm sorry again, I just didn't want to worry you with my unimportant feelings. You're all that matters. I don't mean that in a bad way. You're all that matters to me.
Was it because of the increasing amount of red scars on my arms? I'm sorry about that as well, I just wanted to feel something other than pain, numbness, and undying love for you.
Is it because I started to drink more? I'm sorry about that, too, I just wanted to pain to be drowned out by the alcohol. I would have stopped, but it was helping me, and I guess you could say I became addicted.
Was it because I like men? Because I'm sorry, but that's a predisposition and I can't change that.
Or was it because I'm in love with you? For I am so sorry, so, so sorry that I fell in love with you. I didn't mean to. I should have just taken it to the grave, because at least then, at least I could have still been your friend, and at least then I would still be in your life.
