Unwritten

Seven (Maya's POV)

It's funny how it all comes crashing down. Although I knew I wasn't done cutting forever, I really did want to hold off on it as long as I could... for Shawn... and for me, i guess... the thing is, I was doing great at it. Just super. three days since the whole Shawn fiasco and I was holding on like a champ. For I minute, I almost thought I was "scared straight" or whatever. Like I had learned my lesson after watching Shawn be so sad over me. And... although I didn't want to see Shawn sad ever again, it only took a little pen malfunction at school to send me crashing back down.
It was 4th period, we were getting ready to trade-and-grade our quizzes. Sometimes, when Mr. Jacobs (yes, I do have other teachers besides Mr. Matthews,) is feeling lazy, he'll tell us to grab a red pen from his desk and trade our quiz with a friend. Then, one by one, he'll read the answers aloud and we'll grade whoever's paper we got. It's pretty self-explanatory. Anyway, I had just grabbed a pen and was trading my paper when i realized red ink was seeping into every crevasse of my palm. My heart skipped a beat; and when the teacher saw that my pen had leaked he excused me to wash it off in the rest room.
Hearing the running water, washing the red off my hands, I felt guilty. It wasn't even blood, but it looked so real and I felt like I'd let Shawn and myself down so quickly. I felt embarrassed that my pen leaked all over me in front of the whole class... but most of all I felt longing. Seeing the bright red liquid drip down my skin made me crave the release only my blade could bring me. I felt the hunger deeper than my guilt, and I needed to satisfy it, but I also knew how bad I would feel and I didn't want to let Shawn down. So I held onto that.
Now, at home, at 11:47pm, I start to realize that letting go is just as easy.
Bzzz, bzzz.
     1 New Message: Shawn
     "Hey, Maya.  what's up?  how's it going?"
Oh why now?!
If I just held it, and didn't do anything, maybe the urges would go away.
I pick up my phone and text him back,
"hi, I'm good. Doing homework."
I look down at the blade in my hand, and lightly closed my palm. Feeling the cool metal against my skin was relieving.  It made me feel alive again.  I pressed the blade to my forearm and slowly added pressure, pulling at the same time.  When I saw beads of blood forming and realized what I'd done, it was too late.  I had already done the damage.
What will Shawn think? No, I can't tell him... He cares too much and I promised... But then again he'd want me to tell him. He told me if I ever needed anything at all...
     I pushed the thoughts of telling Shawn out of my head.  Too risky.  Shawn could tell Mr. Matthews and Mr. Matthews could tell my mom and then they'd call her a bad mom and force me to go to some mental hospital or something.  And I wasn't insane.  I didn't need hospitalized. I was fine.
Bzzz, bzzz.
     "What are you really doing?"
     Okay, I get that we are similar or whatever, but it still creeps me out that he knows that there was no way I was doing homework.
     I text back,
     "Haha, you got me.  I'm just with Riley, we're talking in her room."
     "Maya, we talked about this.  You don't have to lie to me."
     "yeah, sorry.  I'm not doing homework."
     "That's not what I'm talking about.  Why would you lie to me about being at the Matthews'?"
     "I am at the Matthews"
     How did he--?
     And then it hit me, but before I could defend myself he texted back,
     "Oh, really? Because when I called five minutes ago they were in the middle of a Monopoly game that they said you took a rain check on."
Crap.
     "Okay, so maybe that was a lie too.  What's your point?  I can't stay at my own house for once?"
     "Maya, what's going on?"
     "Nothing.  I'm going to bed.  Goodnight"
     "Maya"
     I turned my phone off and headed to the bathroom to wash up my latest mistake.  I slowly turned the warm knob, leaving it on low pressure.  As the water soothed the physical pain, the underlying guilt surfaced.  I felt so bad.  I keep cutting no matter how bad I want to stop.  I blew off my best friend.  I ignored the one person who actually might understand what I'm going through.  The physical pain could only do so much.
     I patted down my arm with a towel and pulled my sleeve back down.  Why did I feel so much more guilty now than I usually do?
     I turned my phone back on, regretting being so rude to Shawn.  He was just trying to help but I can't deal with that right now.  I don't know what to do.  How am I supposed to just tell one person everything I've kept inside for so many years?
     Bzzz, bzzz.
     My phone was powering back on.  I wish I hadn't done that.
     Finally the logo appeared and I put my password in.  There was about a ten second period of time when nothing happened, and then all at once a flood of texts came in.
     "Maya??"
     "Are you okay?"
     "Maya please pick up"
     "This isn't funny please if you're there text me back"
     "Maya??!!"
     "i'm coming over"
No, no, nonononono no! He can't come over!
     I looked down at my fresh wounds and a feeling of dread washed over me
Shawn cannot know about this.  I can't see him like that again.  Not now.
     I gripped my phone and my fingers danced around the keyboard as fast my hands allowed them to,
"Shawn! i'm fine! i'm not at home though so don't bother.  I'm on a walk"
     I thrusted opened my window; the familiar view sent shivers down my spine.
I should stay.  My mom isn't even home.  I could be safe if I jus—
     I couldn't even finish my thought before I heard the loud BZZZZZZZZZ of the doorbell sound.  I jolted, losing my balance, and tried to hang on the the window sill, but it was too late. I slipped and fell, eight feet, to the patch of grass below.