User : quietEcstasy
Title: Invidia's strike
The title seems appropriate and interesting.
Cover:
It's actually pretty good. I like that it has green which embodies jealousy/envy/Invidia and the dramatic hand makes me think someone will be selling their soul pretty soon. I think the eyes could've been a bit lower, but it works. The font is not fabulous, but it's okay-ish.
Summary:
Your blurb is interesting, but is suffering from one major flaw. You don't introduce any character in it. To make me want to read a book, you need to give me someone to root for and look forward to meeting, not just a potentially interesting plot. Because the way you have it, the story could go two ways: the MC is fighting the sins, or the MC gets tricked and possessed by one. I would like to know where it's going.
Story:
Grammar-wise, you're doing okay. It's not bothersome to read and the punctuation is pretty good most of the time. Still missing some commas, but don't we all?
Now, here comes me harping on you. Most of your phrasing is pretty awkward, sometimes you don't tag dialogue and we have no idea who's talking and it's not clear to me if you're writing close third POV or omniscient. Sine you keep to Lamia most of the time, I'm guessing it's close third. Then it's really weird that she's mentioned as the middle sister or anything other than Lamia or she/her. Using name and pronoun replacements breaks you out of close third, because no one thinks of themselves as the second daughter or anything else.
With that out of the way, I like where the story is going. I don't exactly understand the social norms, because I didn't think Lamia was rude enough to Lorelai to warrant her sister's or mother's reactions. So I think you should include a bit of subtle world building.
I am also curious to know about the age of marriage and how that goes. Why is Lorelai, at eighteen, single and okay with it in a fantasy world apparently dominated by medieval influence? She'd be like really old at that age.
Other than that, your characters are likable and the appearance of the mysterious man ups the stakes considerably and draws the reader in.
Overall, I think you have a story with a lot of potential to be interesting and original.
Best of luck!
Overall rating: 8/10
By : Wimbug
YOU ARE READING
Critics column
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