devoid of color // slow updates

_034

[a/n; this chapter will be about mental illnesses, so if you are easily triggered about things that relate to this subject, I suggest you leave now. I have been going through some hard times lately and I just need to rant.]

Let me tell you how it feels
to worry all the time. To feel
as if you're trapped. A constant
wall. It stops you in your tracks.
And then the panic and worry sets in;
Heart beats fast, cold chills,
beginning to sweat, not able to feel your hands and feet. Taste of metal.
Ringing in your ears. Everything's to loud. You feel like everyone
is watching. Witnessing your weakness.
Like being followed by a voice only you can hear. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point where it's the loudest voice in the room.
The only voice
you can hear.
You wish you didn't care,
that you didn't feel like this.
But it does, and it will for a long time.
You try to reach out,
but you're slowly sinking
into pits of darkness and
waves of thoughts.
Scrambling for a hand to pull you out, but no one is there.
This is anxiety.

Anxiety is not being able to sleep
because you said something wrong
two years ago, and can't
stop thinking about it.

This is one of the most frustrating things about having an anxiety disorder; knowing as you're freaking out that there's no reason to, but lacking the ability to shut the emotion down.

Depression
is feeling like
you've lost something
but having no clue when or
where you last had it.
Then one day you realize
that what you lost
is yourself.

Depression
is living in a body
that tries to survive,
with a mind that
tries to die.

Having both depression and anxiety is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hate socializing. Its wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It's about caring about everything them caring about nothing.

So now I ask you,
no-- I tell you.

Do not
mock something
you haven't endured.