i feel so childish with the way i've been acting lately, and i feel like everyone knows why i act the way i do. mark has repeatedly asked me if i am okay and are you seeing ghosts, tyler? because i swear to god if this tour bus is haunted, i quit. but there's no ghost and i feel like i am going to run out of excuses as to why i dose off in thought during conversations and how i somehow can't get my eyes off of josh's stupid pink hair and his stupid nose ring and those stupid lips when we talk. it's hard okay? when you're so gone for someone, it's hard to stop staring because they are the definition of beautiful in your mind.
i'm supposed to be writing for our new album. we always like to write on the road, record our music, and then get back on the road again, it's what we live for. but the only thing i can think about is josh. i've always told myself that i won't release music about a stupid girl that i'm dating. but josh isn't a stupid girl, josh is josh dun. the josh dun. and i can't help myself but to write about him. i'm not even good at writing love songs but when i think about josh something just clicks in my brain and all of my emotions spill onto the page. and the songs are really good. the instruments and the vocals just flow together perfectly. but i can never release this to the world because it's just too personal, you know? also, these songs would probably out me, and i'm definitely not ready for that yet.
am i even gay? i've been attracted to girls before, but not like josh. i think i'm gay, or at least bisexual. that's weird to think about. how have i just now realized this? i don't know. i should tell someone about it. i should tell josh about it. he's my best friend, he deserves to know. where is he?
i walk out of the tour bus, walking into the back doors of the venue. we're still at madison square garden, this is night two. tonight will be easier than last night. i feel like my newfound news is boiling up inside of me. have i just been suppressing this for years? i've never felt the need to get something off of my chest so badly. i'm frantic, running around the venue. running onto the stage where the crew is setting up our equipment. i rush off the side and finally run into him. we both grabbed each other's shoulders, in a sort of huddle.
"can we talk?" i asked at the same time that he said, "we need to talk." we both let out nervous laughs at the coincidence, going into an awkward silence.
"we need to talk." josh repeated.
"yeah, yeah, sure." i replied as he dragged me back to our dressing room, still messy from last night. he pulled me onto the couch, sitting cross legged, facing me.
"do you wanna go first?" he questioned.
"i-i uh-"
"okay, i'll go first." he cut me off. what could possibly be this important.
the room in that moment was impossibly quiet. anticipation hung thick in the stuffy air. i looked anywhere but at josh until my eyes fell on him and his stare was so intense that i could not look away, scared that if i broke the connection, josh would break in the process. i'm scared. he could be telling me anything.
"i'm gay." my jaw drops, and my eyes bulge out a little, but i remain quiet. we don't say anything for a minute. "oh god, you hate me. oh my god i just ruined everything. ohmygodimsorryohmygod. i'm so sorry tyler, i shouldn't have said anything, i'm sorry i made you uncomfortable. ohmygod." josh is trembling, an often occurrence when he's anxious. i hug him, taking in all that is josh dun. my hand glides up his back and i feel his muscles tense and then relax under my touch. he's sobbing and shaking and i'm trying to calm him down with soft whispers of you're okay and i don't hate you.
after a few minutes of me holding him, he quiets down and he pulls away. "what did you have to tell me?" he wipes away the wet smudges on his cheek and smiles, but it's not a normal josh smile, it's a 50 pounds just got lifted from my shoulders smile.
i use my palm to wipe at my cheeks. had i been crying too? god, i was crying.
i let out a breathy laugh and sigh, "i'm gay, too." and with that i start to chuckle to myself. this situation is so cliché but when i look up at josh and he still has that stupid smile on his face i know that everything is okay and that, for now, i am content with our friendship. he pulls me into another hug, this one being much more friendly, with him patting my back and me discretely taking in his scent of musk and vanilla.
"i love you, joseph." my breath hitches and i know that it's a friend kind of love but those three words coming from his mouth is like a dream come true.
"i love you too, dun." we both laughed as we walked out of the dressing room, and heard the crowd on the other side of the stage. we go on in a couple hours and me and josh decide to spend those hours together, in a bonding type of situation. we walked around the backstage area and rode on scooters around the halls, acting like the kids that we were years ago. after a while, mark found us and told us that we needed to be out there.
we played with all of our might during our show. putting all of that bottled up emotion into the way we perform and now everything felt different. my body language and josh's drumming. we were closer than ever now and that felt great.
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i know that the tour ended after msg but for the sake of the story i'm making that the end of the u.s. tour and then they go to other countries and stuff ok <3
