Hidden Bonds

Chapter 20: Trying

Breathing

Sniffling

Tears falling from eyes that are blurring.

I can't find the words to say to him. I'm not sure how to feel, what to feel.

He just continues to hold me. I can feel the hope he has now that he's opened himself up to me. I can feel the way that hope is dimming every second I don't make a sound, make a move to say anything.

"Graham..." His name is the first word out of my mouth, the rest I haven't quite gathered yet. "I don't know what to say... I don't know if this can even be fixed." I'm telling him my truths, no lies, no hidden truths for his ears to hear, only plain truth.

"Can't we just take it day by day? Can't we just spend time together? Can't we?" I look up to see his pleading eyes. He doesn't want to give up in this moment. He wants to put effort in, real effort.

"... I don't know. I'm not sure that's a good idea. I don't know what to believe with you. I don't know if I should trust that your being true to your feelings, true to me." I'm not trying to hurt him, only inform.

I back away, losing the tingling touch that only he can bring me.

"What about the baby? You want me to give it up and I can't do that. I don't want to have even more strain on this when we can barely get along as it is." I'm holding my hands out, palms up in offering.

He's having an internal struggle with this. He doesn't like the fact that I'm having a baby with Gem. He doesn't like the fact that we can have our own children, but what can we do? If he wants kids along the way, this would have had to happen eventually. No matter what the child would have had my genes. I'm the next alpha, so it's impertinent to pass along my genes.

He tries to step towards me again, but I hold or my hand. I can think when he's so close to me.

Now he's holding his hands out, flipping Ben around as he talks to me. "I don't want you to give it up... But I do at the same time. How would that work? A mom and two dads? What happens when Gem chooses a mate? A mom and three dads?" He's making sense to me, but I can't let this go and he can't expect me to.

"When Gem finds a mate, they will have no part in my child's life. There are plenty of distinction all families. If the child is raised think I they have two dads and one mom, they will think it's normal. The question is can you love my child? Can you or aside your jealousy? If you can't, then where does that leave us?" His eyes are filled with guilt and sorrow.

"How could I not love something that came from you?" He can't look me in the eye as he says this.

"Then whats your deal? Why are you fighting this? Why were you trying to keep it from me?" I take a step forward now, so he has to look into my eyes, so he has nowhere else to look, to avoid.

He growls out his frustration, slapping his palms to his eyes to press away the confusion. "Because I wanted to be able to fix this! I wanted to make this right, to make us right and now, with the baby, it screws everything up even more..." Hands fall, his eyes look to me, shining with anguish.

"Well it's happening now and if you want to be apart of it, you need to put aside our differences, we both do. I could never take away the gift that Gem is giving me and I could never keep my child from my own mate. I could raise the child with Gem if it comes down to that, but I would never be happy without you." I'm letting him know that he will be included if he's willing to try. I'm letting him know that he can be apart of this new and twisted family if only he can try.

My throat feels choked, my eyes are stinging from the amount of crying I've done. I stand awkwardly, rubbing my bruised elbow.

Graham walks closer, closing our distance, our wedge, before enveloping me in his arms, holding me close, giving me the comfort that I have so needed.

"I'll try to fix this. I'll try to be a better mate. Can you give me that chance?"

I snuggle my head against his neck, nuzzling my mark, letting the tingles overpower me, overwhelm me, letting them take away the pain and sadness.

"Just don't screw it up."