Isolation

The Beginning

I can't claim complete innocence; I wanted them to break up. I didn't like Shane, because he had used me and discarded me. That was only three days before he started dating John. John wasn't a close friend to me, but he was in my main friend group. I still cared about him. Shane had many past lovers too, all of whom I happened to know. They shared their stories with me, and it left me with apprehension regarding John's venture.

Still, I let them be. Until John seemed to be crying over Shane the following Friday.

As I said, I did want them to break up, but I thought long and hard over whether or not I should tell John. I knew as well as anyone that unwanted advice on a relationship could bring turmoil. I thought John more reasonable than all of that, though. I believed that he would just brush it off if he didn't believe me.

I sent him a message. I can't remember what all I said, but I believe that I tried to reveal that Shane would hurt him as gently as possible. I didn't want to be offensive to John, although badmouthing Shane proved easy enough for me. Going into school the following Monday, a friend of mine told me that John was out for my blood after I sent him that message.

The people that I had called my friends abandoned me, and in the most violent of fashions.

"Shane would never do something like that, you liar!"

"It was an unnecessary interference."

"So, Alana, why don't you like Jane anymore?"

"Because she dissed you. And because she's been a bitch lately anyway."

I still don't know why nobody believed me. I still don't understand why they abandoned me. I tried to reach out, and I even went so far as to apologize to John for what I had said.

Nobody listened.

It wasn't long after that that I switched schools. I hated it at first, but I grew to realize that my old school hadn't done much good for me. I grew to hate that school.

I told myself that I didn't care. I hid how much it hurt. I didn't cry after I apologized to John.

The event made me realize that a rift had long been forming between us. I had drifted, trying to find the place that I fit in best. I wasn't okay with drifting between social groups; I was sure that I had to choose one. I didn't fit perfectly into either group. There were conversations I couldn't join, either because I didn't know the subject, or I didn't know how to comment on it. The flow of conversation didn't allow for questions. And no one really understood my wants or needs, myself included.

I made some friends at my new school, and I began to understand more about myself and what it means to love yourself. But just as I was beginning to truly like myself, I fell ill. Or, I thought I was ill, rather.

It turned out that I had a brain injury.