"How'd it go?"
As soon as I step into my mother's car, she pops the question.
I wasn't surprised, for the first time in forever and I just answered truthfully.
"It went... great, actually." I close the car door, and play with my fingernails.
"Ryan, you don't have--"
"Mom, I'm serious. It wasn't bad." I looked her in eyes, and she lit up.
I could see her internal happiness.
I was, to be honest, just as happy as she was to hear that I, for the first time in ever, have enjoyed anything relating to physically meeting and talking to real people.
But the main reason was because I didn't have to talk about my stupid problem with a bunch of people.
They understood.
Then we talked about music and food.
It wasn't as bad as I blamed her for- school, wasn't even bad.
I guess everything added up.
So I shut this car door and me and my mother drove home. We played music off the car stereo, and continued to talk about meaningless things in the duration of it all. It felt good.
This entire day was good. And to be quite frank, it truly scares me.
I think now is the day I actually come out to her, too.
I don't know how she'd react, considering she's full of surprises. Literally just full of them, and I'll never be ready for it. I know that for a known fact.
I wanna tell her now, I wanna do it. I'm gonna do it.
She's pulling into the driveway. Oh god, she's pulling into the driveway.
"Mom." I close my eyes and hold out my hand, for some reason. She still continues to back into the house.
"Mom. Mom!" I open them and see her with an eyebrow up, holding the gear shift.
"Ryan, are you okay?" She asks, and I nod.
"I've gotta tell you something, Mom." Here we go.
Do it! I believe in you!!! TEAm RYAN!
"Go ahead." She smiles widely.
"I... I'm gay, mom." (mini authors note; hi. I'm writing this at 1:37am and honestly I'm so happy about this. I smiled. k. continue on, loves.)
It comes out of my mouth like a waterfall and I don't regret it. I internally take an exhale.
Then inhale, literally, and internally, as I remember she hasn't answered.
I don't want to look at her face, but I do, nonetheless, and her expression.. oh, her expression.
It...looks like there are tears.
Wow. Tears? On mom?
S h i t.
But... then she hugs me. And I don't know where the hug comes from, but it happens. It's good. I like it.
"So you aren't mad... right?" I ask, into her chest.
"Oh, oh God no. I'm glad you came out to me. I want you to know that I approve of you. Any of your little boyfriends or big boyfriends are allowed to have dinner with us. Oh, baby." She kisses my cheeks, and strokes her hand under the hair settling over my forehead.
"I hope all the boys chase you. You're too cute."
"Mom." I look down, and kisses my cheeks again.
"Just... make sure you don't have sex on the couch."
"Mom!"
"What?!"
"I--- Oh, alright. I'll make sure we don't have sex on the couch."
*
gay curly haired baby pt.1
you guys better enjoy this as much as i do.
or i'll cry.
it'll be sad.
