Remus's birthday

Author's note: Just a short fic to keep my spirits up while I work on Beast.

A Day in the Life of the Marauders—Remus’s Birthday

Remus Lupin was scared. Bloody freaking scared.

As a werewolf, there were few things that could intimidate the young boy; his friends were one of those things. Or more specifically, his friends' evil plot to ‘celebrate’ his birthday was something to fear.

Remus hid deep in the dungeons, map in hand, watching for his friends.They’d been searching for him for a while, and one Sirius Black was beginning to wander just a little too close to the dungeons for comfort….

Don’tturnleftDon’tturnleftDon’tturnleft.

Dammit. Sirius turned left.

Remus took off from his hiding spot. Footsteps coupled with insane cackling followed him. But Remus was gaining speed. He would win. He would not be forced to attend some elaborate Marauder celebration. He would—

“Stupify!!!”

Dammit. Sirius picked an inconvenient time to remember he was a wizard. Padfoot loomed over him, too-wide-for-comfort-smile still in place. “We’re going to have fuuuuun Moony. Looots and loooots of fuuuuun.”

Remus gulped. Someone shoot him now.

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The Gryffindor common room was decorated with six foot posters of Remus asleep—why asleep? Did his friends not have any pictures where he wasn’t drooling into his pillow?—and colorful rainbow streamers. The firewhiskey flowed and food was everywhere.

In the center of it all Remus, the guest of honor, was strapped down in a very uncomfortable chair, a muggle paper crown shoved hap-hazardously on top of his head. He tried threatening, bribing, begging and blackmailing his fellow Gryffindors into releasing him, but they all shuddered at the fear of facing Potter and Black’s wrath.

Pff. If only they knew they would soon be facing an angry werewolf’s wrath.

But speaking of his friends, he hadn’t seen them anywhere…. That was never a good sign.

“Look!” a random girl cried out.

Remus looked up to see Peter wheeling out an ENORMOUS, eight foot cake. The cake stopped directly in front of poor Moony who could only gawk up at it.

A cake that size could not be good…

Then the music started….

BAM!!!!

The cake seemed to literally explode as two figures  burst from within it.

Oh my—

Sirius and James jumped onto the table before him, both covered in cake and both wearing matching neon pink, leopard print speedos. Nothing but speedos.

The room exploded into catcalls and whistles as the two began gyrating to the music. People began throwing money which Pads eagerly scooped up and shoved in the front of his speedo.

The two made their way around the room, coming to a dancing-stop by Remus. Sirius hopped in his lap, posing. “Like what you see?” he practically purred with an over-the-top wink.

Remus gaped, struggling to speak. “You..You…Speedo..”

“Don’t taunt the poor boy Pads,” James said, never ceasing his erratic hip-thrusting. “It’s not his fault we’re sexy beyond words!”

Sirius grinned. “Lap dance for the birthday boy!!!”

The crowd cheered in agreement. Remus closed his eyes, trying to ignore the highly inappropriate things Sirius was whispering into his ear.

More cheers, more whispering. Apparently Prongs had decided to join the lap dancing.

How he would murder his friends…

A hand—probably Sirius’s—shoved a wad of bills down his shirt.

Murder them painfully…..

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Remus sat on his bed in the common room, eyes closed. He felt the bed dip next to him.

“Great party, huh?”

He opened his eyes to see Sirius, still wearing his speedo. He sighed, shaking his head, but cracking a smile. “It was definitely a Marauder celebration.”

“Happy birthday Rems,” Sirius said, shoving a package into his hands.

James popped out of nowhere, followed by Peter. Both smiled cheesily, thrusting their own packages in his hands.

Sirius’s gift: Chocolate and a pair of slippers that tried to bite anyone but him. (“So Prongs’ll stop stealing your house shoes! “—Sirius“I do not! I just permanently borrow them!”—James).

James’s gift: Chocolate and a wand holster. (“See! See! You just flick your wrist and Woosh! Instant wandage!”—Prongs).

Peter’s gift: Chocolate and a mystery novel. (“I know you like trying to figure out the ending before the characters do..My cousin read this one and was stumped, but you’re smarter than him…”—Peter).

Remus smiled at his friends. They may be highly deranged, and they may like mentally scarring him more than was necessarily healthy for a friendship, but they were his friends.

And they were the best friends he could ask for.

He wouldn’t murder them.

……Yet.

“So Moony,” Pads said with a coy smirk, “you up for another lap dance?”

……….Okay, maybe he would kill them.

Crash!!

“Ow! James, James! Moony’s hurting me!!”

“You brought it on yourself mate. “

                                                                ~~End~~