as the scorching hot water emerges from the faucet, it immediately reminds me of you. always ready to do anything at any time. the water fills up the hallow space as I slowly let my body into the hot water. I wince at the stinging that it brings my tough skin. my face has already turned a slight pinkish color and my hair has started to curl. I drop a red sphere into the water, letting it dissolve as I did when I was dropped in too. every inch of the tub was hidden beneath strong red pigments. it was hard for me to remember you after what happened, but I remember you being so pigmented. your hair was red, as was your smile, as was your laugh. I hated that I had convinced myself I needed this. I didn't need to bathe in your eroding color, I needed a cleanse of you and all you ever had been. I can feel my heartbeat in my head. if I stay still, my whole body is almost throbbing. my tattoos seem different when I get like this, when I think about you. they turn into thin stickers forced upon me, rather than permanent memories I chose to have my body represent. I haven't dunked my head under but underneath my eyes are wet with sweat. so is the brim of my hairline. the water remains so red it's almost staining my body. it's almost like you're here with me. breathing with me. feeling my heartbeat all over my body with me. sweating in the heat with me. I miss you. I miss you Josh.
-an: I'm happy i started publishing again. I hope you all are too. I love you all ❤️
