Broken Pencils

Apologize

His eyes were gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous. The deep blue was like staring into the ocean, I could drown in them if I wasn't careful. Unfortunately I never got a really good at them unless I was staring at them on my laptop. I'd be scrolling through Facebook when I'd see a selfie he posted or something and I have to stop and stare in awe. I tried drawing them so many times but I can never get them right. The blue is always wrong, too bright, too dark, to green, too blue. It doesn't make sense I know, they're eyes, how can it be important whether they're the right color? I am just obsessed with getting them right, they have to be right.

"Ren, hey Reeeeen, Rennny!" He dragged out my name. I looked up from my drawing and slammed my sketchpad shut.

"Huh?" I asked startled. He smiled and scoffed.

"Dude, class is over."

"Sorry Luca," I breathed out, sliding my books into my bag. He rolled his eyes and grinned. He grabbed my sketchpad and picked up my bag before I could reach for it. I glanced at my art teacher before leaving the room. He sat at his desk flipping through some papers, most likely some students artwork. His glasses hung off his nose slightly, giving him a nerdy look. He looked up from what he was doing and looked at me. He gave me a smile and a slight wave, I waved back and chased after Luca and my stuff.

"Luca! Give me my stuff back!" I shouted down the hall. He halted and turned slightly before giving me a Luca Wallace smirk. Yes, the Luca Wallace smirk. He should get that trademarked. Everyone knows about the smirk, it's his thing. I don't think anyone's seen his real smile though. He does this half smile that gets all the girls squirming.

"Ren, hurry your ass up, I'll be late for practice." Luca said turning the corner at the end of the hall. I sighed and ran after the blue eyed nuisance. When I turned the corner I slammed into something and crashed to the ground. I looked up and saw Luca staring down at me.

"You good?" He asked after a long silence. I tilted my head and nodded. "Why do you seem confused Monet?"

"It's nothing, and don't call me Monet. I'm not that good," I said pushing myself up from the ground. To be honest I don't understand why Luca even talked to me, I'm an artist, he's an athlete. Not a jock, an athlete. Unlike some guys, Luca didn't sleep around. At least as far as I knew. I would be fine just sitting alone in class, drawing, drawing his eyes.

"You're pretty damn good, da Vinci." Luca said flipping open my sketchpad. Before he could see any drawings of his eyes I grabbed the book and pulled my backpack off his shoulder.

"Shut up," I mumbled before taking off down the halls. I hated when people complimented my art, because in reality someone would always be better than me. I'd thank them of course, but on the inside I felt terrible. I could never be as good as da Vinci or Monet, they're Gods.

My phone rang, causing me to jump in shock as my ass started to randomly vibrate. I grabbed my phone and lifted it to my ear.

"Yeah," I said casually. I never answered the phone with hello. Because the only people who called me were my Mother, which was rare, and Luca.

"Hey hottie," someone said from the other end of the line. I rolled my eyes and hung up. I got those calls frequently. There was this one number that would call me everyday and say stupid crap like that, unfortunately they blocked their number.

Vrr . . . Vrr . . . Vrr

"What?" I asked annoyed as I took a shortcut through a park towards my house.

"I just wanted to say you looked cute today," the voice said. I rolled my eyes and was about to hang up when the voice said something else, "You're ass is nice." Annoyed, I threw my phone into my pocket and continued walking towards my house. I guess the calls wouldn't have annoyed me so much if they were a girl but they were a guy... Now hear me out, I wasn't against being gay because well, you are who you are and you can't change that. I always had this way of thinking about it. If we're all souls, none of us are really female or male. We're just people, and we fall in love with other people. I don't know, there are many flaws with the idea but it's just a vague thought. But since it's a guy on the other end of the line I know the calls aren't real, I'd even be skeptical if they were real is a girl was calling me everyday.

When I entered my house I immediately ran up to my room and sat down at my desk. I pulled out all my blue pencils that I had collected and started drawing an ocean. You thought I was going to say his eyes didn't you? You wish . . .

The drawing started out normal but as I kept adding everything was wrong. It was too bright, too happy. I added darker blues until it was a stormy see. I added a boat that was struggling against the waves with only one passenger. It was a girl, her long blonde hair was being twisted and thrown around in the wind.

"Ren . . . Ren help me!" I covered my ears and closed my eyes. This girl I drew, I didn't know her, but she made her way into tons of my art. She even had a voice, it was always so broken and lost. She wanted out of the drawings, I could tell. I always put her in the worst situations.

"Ren . . ." I opened my eyes in confusion. That wasn't her, the voice wasn't in my head. It was real and in my room. I slowly turned around and sighed in relief when I was met with my mother's eyes.

"Hello Mother," I said formally. She looked disappointed hearing my words.

"Sweety, you don't have to call me that," she said softly. I looked down at my drawings and felt the side of my mouth twitch up. Melisa wasn't my real mom, that woman left me a long time ago. My mother (Melisa) is my stepmom. My father got remarried when I was four, my parents were split up for as long as I could remember and I never saw my birth mother much. And when my dad passed from a car accident Melisa got custody of me.

"I want to," I mumbled. Melisa's eye's lit up slightly and her lips pulled into a soft smile.

"I just wanted to let you know I'm home. Also wanted to check in."

"Okay..." I said looking up at her. She looked at me with begging eyes. She wanted me to share something, anything. I sighed and pushed my chair so it was at a better angle to looked at her without it hurting my neck.

"Um . . . I drew?" I said awkwardly.

Melisa let out a sigh and nodded, "It's okay Ren, it takes time." She turned her back to me and took a step towards the door. I didn't realize I was out of my seat until I felt myself wrapping my arms around her. I felt her tense up under my touch but I didn't let go until two words escaped from my mouth,

"I'm sorry."

I ended the hug and walked over to my desk where I sat down and continued my drawing of the lonely girl at sea. I heard my door shut with a soft thud. I turned my gaze towards the door and sighed.

"I'm sorry I'll never be good enough." I breathed out.