My Notebook

- I can't eat, I can't sleep

That must be the worst thing I have ever witnessed. Gemma, my always happy sister cried and cried till there were no tears left and she just screamed. I couldn't cry. I sat numb and watched. We all fell asleep on the sofa and the next day they cried some more. I try to be glad for them. Putting on a smile, baking, cleaning, doing normal stuff but after some minutes my body gets tired and I have to sit down not to pass out. Then they cry some more.

I can't really believe I have been here a whole week and all they are doing is crying. They make me feel so bad, I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can do is puke blood, take medications, make food for them and lie down.

But they are always at my side. Mom doesn't go to work, she says she wants to be home with us. And Gemma never leaves my side. She evens sits on the toilet while I shower. She's afraid I'll faint or something in the shower. Almost all of my hair is gone now. Whenever I pull at it or shower small pieces drop to the floor.

Whenever they see that they cry some more but non less they stay, they rub my back when I'm puking and they hold me while they're sleeping.

In someway this feels good, having someone who knows. But I feel so guilty that I have made them this sad. I plan to stay here till his wedding. Only 15 days left. Every time I think about it my chest tightens and my eyesight goes black. When I'm closing my eyes I see Louis and her, I see their faces when they told everybody about the engagement.

I see his happiness.

But I'm nothing but pathetic, right?

I yearn for a boy I'll never have. I should just give up.

But what's the point I will die in some weeks anyway.