1st Day Back

 I hadn't spoken to my friends since that night. We're not on bad terms or anything, I've just been on lock down all summer for a night that comes to me in beer goggles, sweat and a colorful blackout. Chris and Spud, my only friends, had come to check up on me after a while but my mom explained how my teenage existence and all its miserable and confusing qualities were revoked with a rant and a slammed front door in their acne ridden faces. I can't remember anything from that night. Not the good part my brain was totally unconscious for Anyway. What I do remember is being dragged to a party by my friends, loudly declaring 'Fuck It!' then waking up the next morning at the police station and not in my clothes, but in sweats from the police academy, apparently I was brought in completely nude. Oh, and my pubes were dyed a neon blue.

Yeah, I got an idea of what went down, I don't live under a rock, leave it to various social media sites and the embarrassing pictures they bear of that night to instill the proper shame, resentment, shock and regret of it all. From what I could make of it, I drank enough drinks and did enough drugs to transcend past that 'party like a rockstar' level of raging. There were pictures of me with 4 pieces of acid at a time on my tongue, 2 pieces of ecstasy underneath, snorting more lines than an actor could ever memorize, toking a joint the size of a football, taking body shots off of Michelle Gallagher's pressed together, bare and Ample bosom (highlight of those pictures really) jumping off a roof into a pool, vandalizing enough vehicles to back up city dump for weeks and of course a video of me beating the living shit out of that douchebag Nick Torres in my drug fueled rampage. Despite the level of badassery in those pictures, none of them explained just how I came to be naked or how I managed to apparently make a smurf squirt all over my crotch.

If you haven't figured it out yet, all of this is completely unlike me. I'm the kind of guy that eats lunch in the library. I play trumpet in the band but i'm far from being a Baker, My grades never drop below a B plus and I volunteer at a local hospice because my mom and dad think it'll look good on my college applications. They aren't wrong but it's cancer for the soul at best. Imagine being in death's waiting room, surrounded by senile zombies and always smelling the inside of your grandma's house. I get that it's supposed to be charitable and it shows an altruistic nature but when you gotta wipe the dribble off of a grown mans chin, it gets older then all the geriatrics in there and their stories of how in 'their day' things were better. Keep in mind these are mostly old white men who were born just after the depression and in the prime of discrimination. I only have two friends, Spud and Chris, hopeless virgins like myself whose main topic of conversation is how Call of Duty is becoming painfully repetitive. We're not what you call 'panty droppers'. We're not popular. So how the hell I ended up doing all of that is beyond all of my 18 years of living and teenage comprehension.

When I was released from jail the next morning and arraigned, I found I was charged with public intoxication and only that. I seriously lucked out. My parents on the other hand didn't appreciate how well it all turned out considering. They weren't mad of course. Any kid who grows up in the suburbs in a comfortable middle class upbringing and is fortunate enough to have both parents under the same roof despite how much their obvious loathe for one another has heard this one 'Your mother and I aren't mad Ian. we're just disappointed.' This hurts a lot more than a loud lecture.

I spent the summer without my phone, computer, TV and my X-Box. The entire summer. It was also court ordered that I attend Alcohol Awareness classes and complete and ungodly amount of community service hours within a certain time period. Well I finished the hours at the salvation army in town which wasn't easy work. My juvenile record has a chance to be sealed which made my parents very happy and loading and unloading old ass furniture all day made me strong. I didn't shave my pubes though. Admittedly I kind of dug it and if I ever get laid how can they not remember me? I think I need to dye them green though. Ian 'Hulk Cock' Daniels sounds way better than Ian 'Smurf Dick' Daniels.