boyfriend ✧ joshler

.7.

tyler's POV

jamie
lynn
kameron
lucie
leah
andreas
maddy
timothy
jacob
ollie
xavier
alana
anna
chloe
jake
toby
tobias
hannah
gail
bill
bruce
brice
brian
jenna
...josh...

how could i have ever listed off those names to him? how could i dull that bright sparkle in his eyes be telling him that number?

i told him i wasn't going to sleep with anyone else but i never thought of how hard it would be to uphold that. it's what i do, it's what i've done since i was 12 and in church camp. it's what i think it's in my blood, it's what i breathe.

i know i should've told my pete. i should've just called him and told him the new development and that i needed help. i knew he would've understood, but josh was different.

pete is the only other person who knows those names, that number. but i couldn't tell him about josh. something about him made me want to keep him a secret.

it wasn't because i was ashamed, because i was scared of judgment, it was that i might jinx myself. i knew there was almost no chance josh would forget that i wouldn't answer his question but maybe he could forgive me.

maybe he could forget.

who am i kidding he'll never forget. he'll remember those names for the rest of his life.

no he won't. he won't remember those names, he'll only remember mine, he'll remember me as his terrible first like i remember jamie. he'll dread me, he'll remember the crush he had on me until he decides one day that i'm not worth remembering.

i've never been in love.

i could be with josh some day.

at first he was just a cute guy i wanted to sleep with, but he wanted more to do with me. he wanted to actually be with me and i started to like him. no one has ever wanted to just lay down in bed with my and ask me questions to get to know me.

that was the happiest i've ever been since i was 8.

zach was 12.

i guess it's sort of like josh, i don't want to talk about it because if i do i'm afraid i'll forget all the good things that happened that day and i'll start remembering the bad.

i've never told anyone about that day. it's too important to me.

...ring...ring...ring...

...buzzzzz...

"hey it's josh, leave a message."

hang up.

of course he wouldn't answer, he doesn't want to talk to me. how could i blame him.

...ring...ring...ring...

of course he won't answer again i don't even know why i'm calling.

...ring...ring...ring...

just hang up now it's not like there's any point in waiting you already know he's not answering.

...buzz...

"hey it's josh, leave a message."

hang up.

why didn't i leave a message. i should've told him that i was sorry and that i wanted to talk to him. i should've asked him if he wanted to go out and get coffee and talk.

wait.

what if jenna sees us together. i forgot about her.

i should've asked if we should have coffee at his place when she's not there.

i can't believe that jenna is still here, i wish it was just josh and i. i wish there wasn't a third person and there wasn't all the people in my past.

i'm an idiot.

now there's two missed calls on his phone from me and i already know he's ignoring me what am i doing.

that's enough. i'm going over there.

no i'm not.

why am i grabbing my keys.

throw them against the wall in anger. i'm an idiot, i'm not going any where near there he doesn't want to see me, he hasn't even called me back.

there's no way he'll ever talk to me again.

i'm gonna miss josh, i liked his hair. i liked his eyes and his smile, his teeth, his abs, his butt, his hands, his nose, his 5 o'clock shadow and everything else.

i liked how he held me like he cared and how he cleaned me up when i didn't even ask for it because he knew they needed to be. i like how he knew that i didn't want to talk about my mom right away but he still remembered and asked me after i was feeling better.

i liked josh's personality. he's really sweet. he's the type of person i just want to spend days at a time with, i just want to watch cartoons with him on Saturday nights with a bowl of popcorn between us.

i want to watch the sunset with him.

i want to go to the beach with him.

i want to make him a picnic, i don't even cook, but i want to make a packed meal for him to eat outside.

i want to hold his hand in public.

i can't.

it'll never happen because i'm a teenager and he's in his 20s. because i'm "dating" his daughter. because i've slept with 25 people. because he will never love me.

i miss josh. i really do.

this chapter was so hard to write with absolutely no action and no speech but i really wanted to talk more about tyler. ANYWAY vote and comment and all that :)

~rebecca✨