Smooth Criminals: Harley x Joker Origin Story

Chapter 10: Killer Queens

Even the biggest bacon-cheeseburger at the greasiest pub in Gotham couldn't lift my spirits. The chocolate milkshake helped a little, but I'd finished that in minutes. Now I was left with the stench of second-hand smoke and the dismal brown ambience.

I prodded the basket of soggy fries, fighting my trembling lip.

Across from me in the cracked leather booth, Ivy sighed and leaned back. "See what he's done to you? Harleen Quinzel would have never let a man control her emotions."

"Harleen Quinzel was never in love."

"You can be in love and still be your own person."

I squashed a fry, watching the vinegar ooze into the red and white checkered paper.

Regret overwhelmed me — but I couldn't decipher what, exactly, I was regretting.

Mister J would be in Arkham right now. He was too loony for Blackgate Penitentiary. They would have taken me to Arkham, too, if not for Ivy. I deserved it. Part of me wanted to be there with him — but the other part of me was glad that stupid jerk was locked away and out of my sight.

My emotions switched rapidly between these states, leaving me flustered and wanting to drown myself in another milkshake.

"Excuse me, ladies," said a voice, and Ivy and I turned raised eyebrows on the source.

A twenty-something guy stood next to our table with a glass of beer. He was clean-shaven with soft, blue eyes that crinkled at the edges when he smiled. His arms were muscular beneath a green polo shirt.

"I wondered if I could buy you drinks," he said, still with that sincere smile.

I left it to Ivy, too depleted to care. She smiled and said in her smooth, deep voice, "Sure. We're having milkshakes."

"My kinda girls."

He waved at the waitress and motioned for two more milkshakes, then sat in the booth. Ivy leaned away a little, evidently afraid of her own abilities.

"What brings you ladies here on a sunny day like this?"

"Drowning sorrows," said Ivy.

The guy looked at me. I supposed it was obvious I was the one dealing with heartbreak, with my frumpy attire and puffy, teary, makeupless face.

"Need me to beat anyone up for you?" he said.

I almost smiled. "I've got it covered, mister."

The guy raised his glass to his lips, paused, then set it down. He kept staring at me, something forming behind his blue eyes. "You look familiar."

I gave a noncommittal grunt and stuffed a cold fry in my mouth.

"Wait." The guy's smile fell. His jaw slackened.

His gaze flicked over my acid-bleached skin, then to the strands of pink and blue hair peeking from my baseball cap. He stood abruptly, hesitated as though to say something, then walked — no, ran — for the door.

I watched him bolt away, glance back, then take off down the street.

"Pussy," said Ivy.

I threw my hands up. "See what my life has in store, Red? I'm damaged goods."

Ivy's face melted into some mixture of pity and amusement. Her arm jerked, like she wanted to reach for me across the table but stopped herself.

"You're not damaged, Harl. You're the Queen of Crime. You need to find someone who isn't afraid of a girl who gets what she wants."

We accepted our new milkshakes from the waitress and drank them in silence. I blinked a lot, willing the tears to stay inside my eye sockets.

Ivy made a frustrated sound and combed her fingers through her mane of hair. "All right. I'll make you a deal."

I lifted my gaze, not taking the straw from my mouth. She went on.

"You prove to me that you can be your own person — that you don't need Joker like some pathetic damsel — and I'll help you bust him out of Arkham."

I choked on my milkshake. "What? Really?"

"You have to prove it to me. Give it a year."

"Three months."

"Ten."

"A week."

"I — you're not very good at bargaining."

I stuck out my tongue.

"A year, Harley. Then I promise I'll help you get Mister J back."

"I see what you're doing," I said, pointing at her with my straw. "You're hoping by the time my year's up, I'll realize I'm happier without him and change my mind."

She lifted one shoulder. "Girl can dream. But I'll keep my promise."

My heart swelled — for Mister J, and for the girl sitting across from me.

"You're the best friend a girl can ask for, Red."

Her lips quirked in an almost-smile, but her eyes stayed sad.

I glanced at the door where the guy had disappeared. "Before he recognized me, you realize how easily we could have seduced him, knocked him out, and stolen his wallet?"

As soon as the words left my mouth, I expected Ivy to scold me, to tell me I was off to a bad start and doing nothing to prove I'd changed.

But she stared after him, a thoughtful expression crossing her face. She traced a finger over her lips. I thought of that violently red shade of lipstick in her pocket.

"I'm moving back here permanently," she said abruptly.

For the first time that day, I smiled. "Really? Can we be roomies?"

"Someone has to keep you out of trouble."

"Oh, and you're the best person for that job, Miss Poison Ivy?"

She paused. "Fair enough. Maybe we can get into trouble together, then."

I considered. Getting into trouble with my best friend — now there was something I'd missed. Excitement leapt in my chest. I had the funny feeling trouble meant something different now than it did before she'd left.

"Where should we start?" I said.

Ivy pulled out her lipstick. She applied it thickly, the bright red shade popping against the dim backdrop.

She flashed me a wicked grin. "Why don't we go dancing?"

THE END

Author note: Oh my god, this begs for a Harley x Ivy sequel. I hope to write another fic soon, but in the meantime, check out my Mermaids of Eriana Kwai series for badass warrior women and Girl x Mermaid!  bit.ly/icemassacre

This story is dedicated to you. This was my first fanfic and was more fun to write and share with you than I ever imagined. Thank you so much for reading. All your comments and votes made me so happy! xox

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