Diary/Thoughts.

Diary Entry 11

(( Ljttle warning there's a hint/mention and picture of attempted suicide in this. So this is a trigger warning. Don't read on if you're triggered by anything that's in this chapter ))

I'm going back to Bucharest. I'm not stable enough to live with anyone. I've proved that already. I can't take little Bandit with me. I don't want to put him in danger...

I was speaking with someone the other day... apparently the PTSD has had a bigger effect on me than I realised. Hydra really fucked me up. I was told I'll never fully regain my memories. The ones I have will come and go all the time. I mean, I guess I already knew that but I didn't want to accept my long term memory is officially fried and none existent.

That's why I forget somethings about Steve or even forget to feed Bandit... that's the worst of it. Steve and Bandit. I let them both down so many times and I can't bear to do that to the people I love and care about most. Yes, I see Bandit as a person because I talk to him.

Steve, don't you dare say I don't let you down. You may say I don't but the disappointment is there in your eyes. The disappointment that I can't easily remember a fond memory of us both or a day we spent together that brought us closer. I see that sad smile you have when you think I'm not looking. You always act so happy when you're really so sad. That's why I'm removing myself from the picture. Because you don't deserve to have anyone who disappoints you in your life.

I've spoken with T'Challa recently too... he's prepared to have me put back in cryo so they can see if they can make my head a little safer for me to live with. But there's something bugging me...

There's only a few who are fully keeping me here and sane... without them... well... I wouldn't be here and alive.

There have been times where, when I was alone in Bucharest, I've put a gun to my head and actually... wanted to pull the trigger but it never happened. There was always something holding me back and then I'd remember something. Once I did, it would be written in one of my notebooks. I need to get more of them...

But Steve. Seriously. Make up with the rest of the team, please? You're miserable without them. Get your damn shield back for Christ sake. The lot of you are being stubborn and fucking childish. No, don't language me Rogers. I can see you doing that. You all need your goddamn heads banging together. You're a fucking team! From what I remember you work together and listen to one another. Not squabble. Yes. You have different views, especially with the accords but who cares?! Half of you can be the secret avengers or some shit. Just get along.