New To Me (Phan)

Chapter 11

Tensions were high at lunch the next day. Phil and Charlie hadn't officially broken up yet, but Charlie had the clear sense to avoid our table anyway. He knew he wasn't welcome. Although he was sat at the other side of the room and I had my back to him I knew he was there, and that was enough to set me on edge.

I wasn't scared or embarrassed or anything like that. I was pissed. I still had some residual anger coursing through my veins, that the bruises he left on me did nothing to help calm.

PJ and Chris kept up a constant dialogue but it sounded forced to me, strained. Like their words were struggling to move through the heavy cloud of tension that hung in the air. Phil looked sad and tired, as if he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before. It was painful to see.

I wasn't sure how to act around Phil. I had assumed everything would go back to normal but it hadn't. It wasn't necessarily weird or awkward between us. It was just... different. Now that the thoughts had been put in my head I couldn't for the life of me shake them.

But I tried my best anyway. Phil was still first and foremost my best friend, and that fact wasn't going to change anytime soon.

"Come to my house after school today." I said to him quietly, nudging him with my shoulder. Chris and PJ were too busy talking to take any notice.

Phil looked up at me, sad eyes questioning. "Are we having another games day?" he asked.

I glanced at Chris and PJ briefly, thinking, before turning back to Phil. "You and me are." I loved Chris and PJ, but they could be a bit much sometimes. I didn't think Phil would have the energy for that.

Phil blinked. "Not Chris and PJ?"

"Nope."

"Just us?"

"Yep."

The corners of Phil's mouth lifted in a tentative smile. "Okay." It wasn't a beaming smile but it was real, and that was something. My heart skipped a little at the sight of it but I ignored it. I pushed it down like I had everything else that I didn't want to confront over the last two days.

When last period ended Phil told me he was off to talk to Charlie first before we headed to mine. I asked if he wanted me to come, as I was hesitant to leave him alone with Charlie, but he told me that would just make it harder. I simply nodded and told him I'd wait for him outside.

We'd just entered the start of winter and it was at that stage where it was cold, but not too cold that being outside was literally the worst thing ever.

I sat myself on the railing just outside the entrance, the frozen pole cold against the back of my legs. Snowflakes drifted lazily through the air lightly dusting everything out in the open, including me.

I jumped when PJ suddenly materialised next to me, swinging his legs over the railing to join me. "Hey." He said. "Waiting for Phil?" he gave me a knowing look which I understood almost instantly. He'd heard our conversation at lunch.

I felt the guilt begin to grow inside me. "I just thought he could use a friend at the moment. But I didn't want to overwhelm him, you know?" I paused. "I'm sorry."

PJ shook his head. "It's fine. It is, really. And I think you're right. He needs space but he also needs his best friend."

I didn't say anything, just nodded. I was glad PJ wasn't upset. That he understood my reasoning, even without me having to give it. He was more observant and sensitive than a lot of people gave him credit for. That side of his personality he often kept hidden behind sarcasm and general goofiness.

PJ and I sat in comfortable silence for a bit, our legs swinging freely over the side of the railing. The cold was beginning to bite, nipping at my ears and the tip of my nose.

"It's okay, you know." PJ said quietly. He wasn't looking at me and instead was gazing off into the distance.

"What's okay?" I asked, genuinely curious. His face gave nothing away, his expression unreadable.

Still not looking at me he said, "If you like Phil."

I froze, an ominous sinking feeling growing in the pit of my stomach. I opened my mouth to speak but no words would come. PJ continued.

"I've seen the way you look at him. And the way you jumped Charlie the other night..." he trailed off.

My heart began to race, thudding loudly and painfully against the confines of my rib cage. The blood was pumping furiously around my brain, fogging my thoughts. I felt as if I would literally pass out at any second.

"I'm not gay." I said to him. And to myself. I didn't know who that statement was meant to reassure.

At last PJ looked over at me with his green eyes intensely studying my face. Searching my expression for something, anything.

"Dan, you don't have to -"

"I'm not." I blurted out, cutting him off mid sentence. I could hear the hostility in my voice and recognised how overly defensive I was getting but I couldn't help it.

I knew exactly why I was being so defensive. It was because I wasn't entirely sure that I was telling the truth. And that scared me. It scared me having believed one thing for my entire life only to then be plunged into complete uncertainty.

"Okay." PJ said, not entirely convinced. His skepticism was clear but he didn't question it. "But just if you were. If you're straight, gay, bi, whatever. I'm telling you that it's okay. And that I'm going to be here to support you no matter what."

I said nothing in response. What would I say anyway? How do I respond to that? Do I say thanks?

But I didn't want to say thanks. Although his words were nothing but kind I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable.

My heart was still drumming painfully, I could feel it beating at the base of my throat. I couldn't look at PJ. I couldn't meet his eyes.

I should have been grateful to have such a supportive and caring friend but a part of me hated PJ for saying that. For putting me on the spot and bringing up what I'd been trying so hard to ignore.

PJ sighed almost inaudibly. He recognised that I wasn't going to say anything. He hopped down from the railing and brushed the snow off of his coat. He made to leave but before he did so, his eyes met mine.

"Just be you, Dan." And with that he turned and walked away.

Just be me. How was I supposed to do that when I had no fucking clue who that was anymore?