Designs & Reviews {CLOSED}

Review: The Golden Girl: With The Not So Golden Past

Summary:

"So I'll come straight to the point.
I think someone is trying to kill me." said Naira.
"What!? Who?"
I exclaimed.
"That's for you to find out duh." She replied.
"And why should I do that ?" I replied my anger increasing.
"Is a thousand dollars a good reason?"

Nikki has never been an average girl. With her detective skills and the ability
to 'sniff the truth' as she says, has kept her busy.

What happens when the suddenly three sisters arrive in her town as the golden trio and the eldest one has a problem. Which could lead to her death .
It up to Nikki to save her and reveal the golden girl's not so golden past.

Title

It is a bit too long but certainly unique. I am guessing that the 'Not so golden past' is supposed to be the subtitle.

Cover

I will be honest, it could be loads and loads better. When I see the title, many ideas sprung into my head and most of them were better than the one you have up now.

People judge the book by it's cover so I would really recommend you change it to something better.

Summary

My main concern with the summary is not the content (that is perfectly fine) but the irregular spacing of lines. When a character is talking, let the whole thing be in a single line instead of cutting it up in the between.

"So, I'll come straight to the point. I think someone is trying to kill me." Naira confessed.

"What?! Who?" I exclaimed.

The action and the words should all be in a single line.

Other than that, I didn't find much fault with the content. Just recheck the grammar.

Story/Chapters/Etc

First thing, the first chapter/prologue reminded me of Scooby-Doo. Like the way the whole confrontation scene takes place and everything. I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, it is a good childhood recall but on the other hand, it may be a turn off for some people since they may think the book is childish.

The genre and the idea. I so love mysteries. It is one of my favourite genres to read, especially when it is detective type of stories.

There are not many grammatical errors (thank goodness for that) and it was an overall smooth read. There were a few awkward phrasing here and there and missed punctuations but nothing a little editing can't fix.

Again, my main concern about it is the irregular line breaks.

For eg; in the prologue, at the end of the first para you say 'she shouted' and then continued with what she said in the next para. Which is against the rules.

The action 'she shouted', she said, etc should be in-line with the words the character is speaking.

Other thing is the slight omniscient view of your MC. Since this is written in the first pov, your MC will not know what the others are feeling or thinking.

For eg; In the prologue, you say 'he got startled by my voice'. That is tell not show. You should show how he was startled. Like 'his snapped up in surprise' or something similar.

In the first chapter, when she goes to the golden trio's house, I saw that you added images of Naira's dress. That is honestly not required. Most people don't really care about that much details. Even if you do want to put in images, I would suggest you put in the the media place of the chapter. Make a collage of all the images and put it there.

I also realised that there was a huge lack of details as the chapters went on. It seemed to be made mostly of dialouge. Add in a few more details and maybe a little bit of her personal thoughts about the situations too.

Recommendations

It does have potential, as all detective stories do, but I think it can be made a lot more better if you add in more details (her thoughts, etc) and a little bit more of character development.

Overall Rating

7/10