redo of birthday surprise

Happy Birthday!

3:30 pm. November 13, 2016, aka my birthday. I'm 19, and do not want a remake of last year (basically there was a threesome, a psycopath killed the other guy, forced the dead guy inside me, and made me devour said dead guy, though I can't remember what else happened after that. I never saw the psycopath again and shit out the other guy the next day.), so I'm just going to spend my 19th birthday alone, not attending any college classes, as it's the weekend, and masturbate. Yes, adults still jack off.

I hear the doorbell, and answer to a delivery man. "Umm... Are you Eric *not putting the last name for privacy*?"

"Ye." I examine the package, it's rather small (like my cock), and notice the name. Sierra, what did you send? A.N- I'm Sierra, and yes, I'm actually getting him this exact object that is stated later on/got it, depending on when I publish this.
A.N 2- I'm broke af, so Eric isn't getting anything besides this story. Sorry pal.

Flashback (and 3rd person for just this)

A couple weeks ago, in a shitty literature class, Sierra, a friend of Eric and Eric were talking, instead of paying attention.

"Hey Eric, you know how shitty parents circumcise their kids?" Sierra says, in a joking yet serious manner.

"Ye..." 'Fuck,' Eric thought, 'My dick is circumsiced, might as well tell her.'

"Are you circumcised?" Sierra asks, and when she asks things, it's obvious she wants an answer.

"Yeah..." Eric says, still pissed at his parents.

"I'm gonna get you lotion for your birthday so you can jack off! I heard that circumcised people can't jack off unless they have lotion (obviously from the internet)..." Sierra says, and is probably being serious about it.

"Okay, sure." Eric facepalmed, knowing that this will probably happen.

FLASHBACK OVER

The delivery man hands me the package, and leaves. I shut the door, and immediately open the package, seeing numerous lotions, but all tiny (probably a dick joke on Sierra's behalf), and a card.

Eric,

Happy birthday, you dick. Have a good day, and don't get into another threesome or let ISIS bomb Paris again, so instead, spend the day enjoying a huge selection of tiny lotion bottles (they're fucking expensive I got some good shit), and love yourself the most to your abilities. Since I payed so goddamn much for these, I got a lot of coupons for these lotions, so feel free to buy more. I would hand this to you in person, but I enjoy my weekends doing nothing.

-Sierra

Huh, that was kind of genuine. There's Victoria's Secret lotion, Bath and Body Works, Claire's? I'm 19, not 12- wait, this actually smells nice. Fuck it, I'm using this scent that might determine that I'm a pedophile. Just one more thing, something to get me going.

I look at a picture of Zootopia porn, and immediately went hard. Shit

I slowly dropped to my knees, sunlight exposing me for everyone to see, and carefully unbutton my pants. I take my "Vanilla you're-a-pedophile-Eric" lotion, and lather it in my hands. FUCK I forgot to pull down my boxers- wait, I'm commando for some reason. I stare at the picture of these naked animals, their human genetalia fitting their body just right, and feel my left hand instinctually grasp my 2-incher and move it up and down.

Time passes, and I finish fucking myself, and fall asleep, letting my cock rest in the open, and manage to fall asleep.

A couple hours later

I awaken, noticing that the sun is set, and strip completely naked on an impulse, and run outside. This is where I belong, naked and free. I run around until someone calls the cops, and I'm sent to jail for a 1 year sentence.

Best birthday ever.

A.N- hahahha I'm horrible and am going to drag this author's note until I reach 666 words. Almost there. Come on. Okaythisisthe666thwordIfeellikeIaccomplishedsomething.