My journey to sexual purity. X

The [bigger] cycle

As some of you may know, I have struggled on and off with pornography addiction for a few years now.

As most of you don't know, in two days I will have reached my third month of sobriety!! I've know that I've definitely had more good days that bad days, but I've never had this long of a streak. So shout out to all my friends, family, and obviously my God, who have all helped me make it this far.

When struggling with an addiction for as little as a few weeks, you start to pick up on some reoccurring themes and patterns.

A pattern I've found in myself is succumbing to temptation in the midst of feeling inadequate.

However, in this post I want to talk about a slightly different pattern.

Today I had such a sweet time with the Lord.

Each day I read a Proverb, and then the passage from my devotional. I hadn't been the most consistent with my Proverb reading, so today I decided to catch up, and read chapters 25-31.

One of the things I really love about Proverbs is how direct it is. I don't know if this is an introvert thing, or maybe just a "me" thing, but I really don't like small talk lol. I find it awkward, uncomfortable, and a bit fake.

With this is mind, the book of Proverbs is my spirit animal. I admire how the writers just cut to the chase, and very quickly gets to the heart of the issue.

There were a few things that caught my eyes, but Proverb 31 spoke to me the most.

All throughout youth group I heard about the legendary Proverb 31 woman. She was my role model, hero, and someone I greatly admired and aspired to be.

I've read that passage more times than I care to admit, and because of my familiarity with it I was tempted to just skip over it, and call it a day.

But for some reason I just couldn't. I felt almost as if I was cheating, or cutting corners.

As much as I enjoy being time efficient, I swallowed my pride, and decided to read the oh so familiar passage once more.

But this time was a little different.

Instead of just reading the passage and highlighting things I really liked, I wrote characteristics of the Proverb 31 woman in the margin of my Bible as I read.

After completing this process I concluded that a Proverb 31 woman is valued, caring, a provider, a decision maker, hardworking, strong, dignified, confident in the Lord, wise, alert, and fears the Lord.

This conclusion spoke to me because I had been feeling lonely lately. When I say lonely I don't mean without friends, I mean without a husband lol.

I am aware that I am only 19 and have my entire life to find Mr. Right, but I'd be lying if I said I never prayed for God to expedite his arrival.

But anyways, I realized the things I desired to gain via a husband were all things that I already had within me. Everything I was craving has already been placed in me by God!!

When we accept Christ we become ONE with Him. This means that everything that we have is His, and everything that He has is OURS.

What???!!

The Proverb 31 woman isn't valued, caring, wise, alert, etc. because she's married, but because she has God in her.

I realized that having a partner would be a nice addition to my life, but it's NOT a necessity. God has already given me everything that I NEED.

I don't NEED a husband (or pornography to serve as a sloppy substitute until I'm married). I am capable of running this race with just God as my partner.

For someone who is a self-proclaimed hater of small talk/ beating around the bush, I will very quickly try to bring this full circle.

After my quiet time I went back to apartment, took a nap, and upon waking up I felt SO tempted. I came unbelievably close to viewing pornography.

In addition to the pattern of viewing porn in the midst of inadequacy, another pattern I'm aware of is heavy temptation after sweet times with the Lord.

This pattern would often cause me to question the authenticity of my quiet times. Genuine time spent with God is supposed to strengthen me...but I feel heavily tempted after my quiet times, so does that mean my quiet times aren't legitimate.?

Absolutely not.

Jesus would frequently seclude Himself to have a quiet time, and even He was still tempted.

The scriptures tell us that the enemy literally prowls, and waits for an opportunity to tempt us.

I believe that I go through a constant cycle of sweet times with the Lord followed by heavy temptation because of a much larger cycle.

I believe that God knows when I'm going to be tempted, so He calls me into enlightening quiet times in order to prepare me for battle. The enemy is aware of my strength, and consequently feels incredibly intimidated. This strength terrifies him, so he'll tempt me in hopes of throwing me off track.

Pathetic lol.

I wrote a lot more than I intended. So if you've read this far, thanks! If you just scrolled to the bottom, or have forgotten everything so far, you're in luck! I'm going to be like the Proverbs writers and get to the point. Here are the two most important things I really wanted you to gain from this:

1) You are already fierce due to your relationship with Christ, and because of that you don't need anyone except Him. Through Himself He's already given us everything that we need, and because of that we're capable of running this race with Him as our only partner.

2) Feeling tempted after sweet times with the Lord doesn't make that time any less legitimate, if anything it makes that quiet time even more legitimate! The Lord is preparing you for battle, and the enemy realizes he's no match for our God, so he heavily tempts us as his final attempt to trip us up.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." – 1 Corinthians 10:13

One of my favorite fight songs right now: "The Battle is Raging" by Laura Hackett

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8wuO8zwjR8

I really hope that you all got something from this. Be sure to let me know what you think in the comment section!

Lots of love, and God bless. Xx

- LB xoxo