Losing Him // phan

Goodbye. I Love You. (11)

Hello Internet.

I know this is kind of late. It's been a long time. I know. But you can't rush this kind of thing.

If you're watching this, I'm dead.

My whole life has been steadily crumbling around my head for the past few years, and it became unbearable at the death of my brother.

I'm sure you guys remember him, Adrian. I asked you all to leave him alone awhile ago, remember? Well he died a while back in an auto-accident. He and I had been getting closer over the past year, so it tore me apart, further than I already had been. He was my only ally when I was growing up, so when he left me... I couldn't do it anymore. I've been holding on by a finger anymore, holding onto my happiness.

And the most important part of how long I stayed happy was Phil. I was so lucky to have met him. So lucky to have called him my friend, I... I was so lucky to have been able to love him. Because I did, not like a boyfriend, but, like a brother. Like... like a soulmate. I'm so sorry to leave him like this. But this is the way it has to happen.

I'm not going to draw this out. I know many of you are feeling the same way as I am right now, and I know that I ahve no place to tell you to keep living. But do. You guys have made my life so much better. So much happier. But it was only a matter of times before the many, many cracks on my body shattered me.

I'm so sorry.

I'm just so.... so sorry.

I love you guys. I still do. And I love Phil, and Louise, and PJ, and Cat, and everyone. I do. I love my mum and my dad and the smell of rain and the way it feels on your bare skin. I love flowers and music and socks. But none of these things make me happy the way they used to. I can't explain it. Even if I could, I wouldn't. Because I don't want you to have even a fraction of the pain I feel right now.

I love you guys. I know I've said it, but I do. Don't stop living. Don't stop watching; Phil or anyone. Don't hurt yourselves. I mean it.

This is it.

This. This is actually it.

Goodbye.