A collection of Monologues

Friend

I often think that it’s my fault that things ended up this way, although the more I think about it, the stronger the feeling of dreaded inevitability flows. I had thought thoughts like this before, years back, when it all first came about. After failing and failing and failing again, a shining light seemed to good to be true.

Of course it was, yet back then, I may have been too desperately lonely to let it slip through my fingers. Would holding it close only to know it would be taken from me, make the pain any less? I should have realized my mistake. So now, I’m back where I started, all those years ago.

It may have been my fault. I may not have been good enough, I’m sorry I cannot communicate how I feel, it is hard for me. I can’t explain why, and if I tried it wouldn’t make any sense to either of us. So it’s best I leave it at that. Was I too quiet? Was I too loud? I’m sorry if I ignored the cracks that were forming and tried to simply laugh it off.

Was it my bad?

My feelings are muddled, like a white cloth stained by mud, was that too dramatic? I can’t explain it, I’m angry, I’m afraid but most of all, I’m not surprised. I ought to tell you know that I’m not blaming you. Truth be told, I think this rant on words is just to help myself sort it out, because I really don’t know anymore.

Along the way, you changed and I did too, we both started to veer off course and I can’t say it was for the better, I don’t know if apologizing would make this all any better. I tell you now I don’t want to let it all go, it is so great. It was so great, it was. Now, I don’t know. I was blind and ignorant wasn’t i? I never paid attention if I hurt you and you responded, in the most logical sense.

But now, I think, maybe was it you who was at fault too? The blame might not all be on me, I know I don’t talk about me enough, but it may be because you never asked enough, never noticed enough. Yet, I can’t hold that against you because, I never showed.

This is complicated.

Maybe I’m doing this because, somewhere along the way, I changed too much. I started seeing you differently didn’t I? You must’ve noticed, since you then turned to someone else.

So I’m in the wrong, aren’t I? This really doesn’t surprise me. So in the end, it’s the end huh?

I, don’t want to give it up, but I know it’s better for us that way.

If not, then I’m doing it for me because, I can’t stand this anymore.

I got in too deep and now there’s no way out.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m so selfish, I’m sorry I’m so blind, I’m sorry that all I can be is sorry.

Bye then.

I don’t suppose we’ll see each other again.

I’m sorry,

I was such a bad friend.