Not So Secret

(43) Sadness

"I ruined everyone's Christmas in New York and now you want me to go in there and ruin theirs?" I speak angrily toward Ethan despite him trying to help me. After the hospital and letting the news of realization hit me, I completely broke down and Ethan didn't know what to do and so he thought bringing me back home to Florida would be a good idea. Well, it's not.

"You're not going to ruin their Christmas, Chloe. Please get out of the truck." Ethan has been trying to coax me out of the truck for the past twenty minutes. I clutch onto my blanket and gather myself before hopping out of the truck. He puts his arm around me and pretty much forces me to walk toward the door. It's not like I have the energy to run away. I haven't eaten in two days. Ethan tried to make me eat, he even blended up some yogurt and berries and tried to get me to drink it but I couldn't bring myself to do so.

"Hey you guys!" David greets us at the door. I know Ethan has called him and told him to act normal for my sake but honestly, normality is worse than acting abnormal about all of this.

"Hey dad," Ethan gives him a hug as I stand there staring at the ground. David puts his arms around me next but I just stand there refusing to put my arms around him, which I know hurts his feelings by the look he gives me but Ethan gives David a sympathetic smile and whispers something to him that I don't hear.

We make our way inside and mom is wiping the counter off. By the looks of her damp shirt she had been washing dishes. David had said the doctors gave her medicine so hopefully this trip won't be awful and she will be back to her old self. I miss her and I miss how we use to be.

"Honey," she stretches her arms out to me and that does it. My whole heart cracks again and the flood gates release as I drop my blanket and rush toward her as fast as I can. I wrap my arms around her eagerly, tightening my fists around the fabric of her shirt as I bury my face into the crook of her neck. She doesn't say anything which I am thankful for. I hear Ethan and David walk out of the kitchen, obviously leaving us alone.

I stand embraced with my mother for what feels like hours. My heart feels a little less broken, that is until I remember what I was hurt about to begin with. I can't help but to think about how I will never be able to hold my child the way my mom is holding me.

"Chloe, have you been eating?" I shake my head no and refuse to look up at her. She grabs my shoulders and gently pushes me away.

"You need to get your strength up honey. You look terrible. Don't starve yourself sweetie." She wipes my eyes with her hands and I realize I soaked her shirt even more so than it was.

"I don't deserve to eat." I admit, in a whisper. Hopefully, Ethan and David are occupied and aren't listening in to our conversation.

"Excuse me? You do too deserve to eat. Honey, before long you're gonna be skin and bones. Let me cook you something. Do you want me to make chicken casserole? I know you haven't had that in forever and I know it's your favorite holiday dish." Chicken casserole sounds amazing. I almost shake my head no but I do feel a little sick, like I could drop to the floor any moment. I barely nod my head and she smiles wide.

"Perfect! I have all the ingredients!" She starts pulling pans and bowls out of the cabinets and I have flashbacks to cooking with my mom growing up. I was so small she had to let me use a step stool.

"Babe, do you wanna go shower?" Ethan pops his head through the door and I look to mom for approval. She shoos me out of the kitchen and I follow Ethan up the stairs. I haven't showered since before the accident. Gross, I know.

"It's okay, stop, I'll help you." I start to undress myself but Ethan stops me. He lifts the material of my shirt over my head and helps me wiggle out of my pants. He walks across the hall to get towels and some wash cloths out of the linen closet. I take a moment and observe myself in the mirror.

The bruise on my abdomen is still prominent and I run my fingers over it wishing my little boy or girl was still in there. I had never wanted kids until I found out I couldn't have any. I guess the saying is true. You don't know what you're missing until it's gone.

"Stop that," Ethan says, startling me.

"Stop what?" I furrow my eyebrows at him, slightly agitated.

"You know what. You're thinking about it. You can not keep blaming yourself Chloe Marie." Ethan speaks a little sternly. He has all the right to speak sternly toward me. He's putting up with my shit and I just keep giving him more and more to put up with. I keep forgetting he has lost a child too.

"Ethan." I say quietly in almost a whisper. He doesn't answer me but turns the water on. He pulls his shirt over his head and slings it onto the floor.

"Ethan!" I say a little bit louder this time. He turns around to face me and I notice he's crying. I try to think of something to say but I can't think of anything. Instead, I wrap my arms around him and I feel him sigh a sigh of relief and I bury my face into his bare chest. He wraps his arms around me and begins crying more.

"Chloe, I'm sorry. I know you're the one that lost it. You were carrying it and it passed away, but I was in this too. I was suppose to be a dad dammit." His tone isn't angry. It's broken. He's just as hurt and as sad as I am. He's just been putting on a strong act for me and I've been too caught up in myself to realize it.

"I love you. I am so sorry I've been so selfish, Ethan." I mumble against his chest and he tightens his grip on me. Hearing his cry this hard brings me flashbacks of the night where I threatened to leave him. I may have carried and lost the baby but he helped create it and he was suppose to be a father just as much as I was to be a mother.

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There will be a part two of this chapter posted soon. Thank you all for waiting. Life has been very hectic. Thanks for being so patient. Please vote and comment. Love to you all