Odyssey Into Hell

Chapter 39

Peace and quiet, it was what Reagan had been craving and the only place she could get it was in the stables. It had been a day since she'd healed enough to keep down a meal and today was the first day she'd actually been out of the house since she'd been shot almost two weeks ago. She'd tired quickly of fake sympathies and comfort and had begun to find it suffocating, she needed freedom to stretch her wings and clear her mind least it fracture and she become even more of a danger to people, ever since her torture she'd always been afraid that her mind would fracture and she'd completely break from reality.

A breeze swept through the stables drawing her out of her mind and she resumed grooming Jake, the body brush moving in long fluid strokes over his back and sides, his head dropping as every muscle in his back relaxed. An almost paralyzing fear made her stop as her hands began to shake and tension tighten painfully in her chest, that fear mixed with her anger was what had caused her to start become reclusive, start pushing everyone, including her brother and Daryl, away. It was the same fear that she had felt as only a tiny lance when she'd last laid in bed beside Daryl, the fear of finally opening up a part of herself that was so damaged and scarred that she wasn't even sure if it was usable anymore, the fear that after so long she had found someone that actually got where she came from, that that very same someone was just as damaged and emotionally scarred as she was. After all, damaged souls did tend to gravitate towards one another.

"I don't think I've ever seen him look so good before"

Reagan's shoulder's jumped and her hands clenched tightly as she whirled around to face the owner of the voice before finding Hershel standing in the doorway and began to relax slightly. "It's relaxin', for the both of us," She scratched the stallion's hindquarters. "How's Beth doin'?" She queried remembering that when first come out to the barn she'd walked right into the middle of Maggie laying into Andrea about leaving the suicidal girl alone.

"She'll be all right. I managed to stitch her wound, thankfully it wasn't too deep"

"That's good," She looked down at her own hands and knew that if she'd been in Beth's place it wouldn't have been a piece of broken mirror slashing up her wrists, she would have ended it quickly and painlessly with a bullet. "While I agree with lettin' someone make their own decision's sometimes it's not always the wisest choice, lettin' someone step over that edge, to encourage them to make that choice," She shook her head and looked up. "Sometimes the decision they make is irreversible and they often don't realise that until it's too late"

"You sound as if you're talking from experience"

She flinched slightly, perhaps she was, she had been to that edge and almost fallen until someone drew her back. "When I first retired I found it hard to adjust to civvie life again and I was still tryin' to cope with what happened to me and with my PTSD," She explained holding his gaze, somehow he had a calming aura and it helped put her at ease. "I was alone one day, middle of an attack, sittin' on the edge of the bed, gun on the side table and writin' out a letter when all of a sudden I hear 'Are you writin' a letter to gramps, Ma?'," Shame clawed at her as she remembered the day, she had never told anyone about what she'd been about to do, not Quinn, not her father, and definitely neither of her children but Hershel was continuing to listen to her story without interjection. "Seein' my boy standin' in the doorway and holdin' him close, it's what grounded me that day, and it's what shook me up enough to realise I needed help"

Hershel stepped closer and placed a hand on her shoulder squeezing it gently before leaving the stall, both knew there were no words that could be offered that wouldn't sound fake or condescending and she was actually happy for that small gesture as she went back to grooming the stallion.