Twisted

Midnight Reverie

Hey, I badly want to talk to you but I can't. I know I'm the one who pushed you away and I honestly regret that. It's been a month or two and I miss you. I really do.

There are some nights that I cried silently under my blanket while re-reading your messages. I saved it, never deleted your number. I'm always on the verge of texting you but immediately stop myself because again, I pushed you away.

It was my fault.

You're a man of few words. You have the ability to make the butterflies flutter around in my stomach. Those simple words that make me feel so wanted and special, that makes me giggle like a school girl, that has the ability to complete my day...I miss it. So damn much.

You intimidate me in an attractive kind of way.

You're the mixture of what I like and dislike in a man. You're so humble, simple and tall, you respect everybody, we have the same insecurities. You never brag about the luxuries you posseses in life, you sing when no one's around and the fact you don't know the title of it, makes you look cuter.

You're taking good care of your dogs, you love them, you speak fondly of them, and I like that about you. Though, I'm just a bit blue because you didn't give your wee dog a name. You said, you call him 'Unknown' which weird and funny but that's not a name still. On the other hand, he's happy whenever he sees you and so as Malik, if I remember it clearly. You know how forgetful I am, right? You remember my favorite color, I forgot yours and you sort of bullied me and laugh at me.

You got a tattoo. You drink every night because you want to fall asleep easier. I hate that in a man but hey...I still like you, I really like you. I wonder why, I just did. And that is who you are, so, I sincerely accept that.

You are always busy in your family business which I hate but understand.
I understand. I understand.

Do you still think of me?

I wish you miss me the way I misses you. I wish you feel the same way towards me. I wish you are here with me. I wish to hug and kiss you right now, you'll be my first. I wish...I wish I never sent that long message. I wish I can turn back time, I wish you'll congratulate me because I finally got a degree, send me hugs and kisses, tell me that youre proud of me and kiss and kiss and kiss me again but I know it'll never happen, things change and it's my fault and I hate myself about that.

This feeling is such a sweet agony that I never realize the real meaning of it until you're gone.

Im in love with you.

I don't want to forget you. I like torturing myself by thinking about you. I love imagining myself being with you, it feels wonderful. It feels right. So, I don't want to forget you. Not now. I'm not ready because finally, I fall in love. Not the puppy love I had when I was in high school, not the kind of feelings I had felt towards my crush.

This is different. This is real and Im afraid.

I remember the night when you asked me a question, Vuoi essere la mia ragazza? It was written in Italian so I have to look up the phrase in Google for translation. God, knowing the meaning of those words brings euphoria to me.

You asked me to be your girlfriend.

But I'm not ready. I'm afraid. I don't know if you can wait for me for another year. I'm complicated, you see?

Do you know I wrote that said phrase in my special notebook? I am really looking forward you speak Italian to me again. I want you to teach me, I badly want to learn your language. And I'll teach you how to speak in our native tongue in return. I bet it would be fun. Would this ever happen? I wish so.

Do you know that some guys asked me numerous times to take me out for a date? I always decline because I only want you. Just you. Do you still want me, too?

You're not old. I like guy who is five years older than me. I told you, you're my ideal man. Youre like those fictional characters I read in novels that came to life. Theyre not perfect, they undoubtedly got flaws and they openly admitted it, which makes them more human than fictitious.

I am so hopelessly-helplessly in love with you that I will be waiting for you even if the outcome is for nothing. I keep on telling myself that Im tired of waiting but eventually found myself still doing the same. God, I am mastering this field called waiting and Im getting good at this.

Its okay if you'll ignore this, I understand. Maybe...maybe you're happily dating someone now, while I'm always engrossed in this midnight reverie thinking about you. But can we just talk? Maybe tomorrow? Even for a minute?

I really, really miss you so much it hurts.

My eyelids are getting heavier.

Good night, my love.