i read and reread the text multiple times, omG! we're friends?! this is the best thing ever 😘
what if we're not friends? what if he didn't think we're friends? what if his 'this is the best thing ever' was sarcastic? what does that kissing emoji mean?!
i set my phone aside, grabbing my laptop as a replacement. i pull up my 'write anything and everything your heart desires' document and type a few things.
overthink. confused. sarcasm? red hair. freckles. friendship. friend. boyfriend? no.
i click out of the document and scroll through social media. the only buzz is my groupchat. i scroll through the messages, and they're talking about a road trip. i don't bother replying, but the thought of going on a road trip with them sounds amazing. but because my world is fucked, i feel my chest go up in flames, burning into ashes and drifting away in the breeze. piece by piece, they float back to me and down my throat and into my chest. my body reevaluates and i scroll through more messages. they're planning to drive around the entire u.s. this summer.
the negative aspects make it to me first, but, as if i'm in control now, i only think about the positives.
about an hour later, i get the nerve to text brian back.
me
>> hey, sorry. i had to do some chores. what's up?
brian
>> you're fine. and i'm at the store. i'm so bored rip @ me
me
>> rip
brian
>> you could come hang. it'd most likely save me
i stomach does summersaults and i actually consider going over there. before i can make the decision myself, my door creaks open and my mum pokes her head inside. "hey, sweetie."
"hi," i reply and she opens the door all the way, giving her enough room to scoot in completely.
"would you like to run to the store for me? brenda's birthday is coming up soon and i thought i'd bake her one of my german chocolate cakes," she tells me and i nod, standing up and taking the small piece of. paper from her hand, the ingredients written down in her graceful handwriting. i plant a soft kiss on her cheek and head out.
the usually loud ding shakes off into the cool, quiet air of the store as i enter. i see brian's head perk up and my chest is only a few moments away from spontaneously combusting.
"amanda," he chuckles and there it is. my chest lights up like a christmas tree, "i didn't think you'd actually come."
"o-oh," i say, "i'll go back." his happy expression drops, and i curse under my breath. he wasn't trying to be rude. fuck you, brain! fuck you!
"no!" he comes around the counter, approaching me quickly. "stay."
"okay." the word comes out in a slurred breath, and he flashes me a deep smile.
"did you come to see me, or are you here for something else?" he asks me as he walks back to his register, and i walk close behind him.
"um," i think of how i should answer this, "both?"
he turns around again, and i nearly bump into his toned chest. i glance up and he gives me a smaller smile than the others, but, somehow, they made my heart beat faster than the other ones. he breaks eye contact and walks the rest of the way to the register.
"i'm going to find these ingredients for my mom, i'll b-be right back." i notify him and he nods, patiently waiting for the next customer.
for some reason, i rush to find all of the ingredients. when i'm done, i quickly walk back to brian.
"wow, you found all of that in five minutes?" he looks at all of the ingredients in my hands. i nod, laying it all down on the conveyor belt. they roll up to him as he scans each one gracefully. all of his movements seem so fluid.
"here you go," he hands me my receipt and his large hand grazes over my small one, trying to become familiar with the skin. my hand wraps around his index finger, and we stand there for a couple seconds.
"s-sorry." i say, pulling away. "why?" he asks me and i shrug.
"if you don't know, then don't apologize. you didn't do anything, amanda." and in that moment, i felt the need to tell him.
"it's a normal thing for me to apologize for everything." he looks a little confused. "i have severe anxiety." now he looks a little thrown. like 'why the hell would a girl like you have anything to worry about?'
"i'm sor-" before he can tell me how sorry he is for me, i stop him. "it's fine. i'll see you later, okay?" he gives me an assuring nod and i walk over to the exit.
"hey, amanda?" he asks just before i leave the shop. "yeah?" i turn around and he's walking towards me. i feel my chest catching fire and feel some creature begin to scratch at my throat. i knew that the 'creature' wasn't an actual living, breathing creature, it was a scream.
before everything can go crashing down, i feel his large arms wrap around me and i can feel his freckled head and ball of orange raggy hair rest itself on my shoulder. slowly, i wrap my arms around him too and break away a minute later.
"goodnight, amanda." he tells me.
"goodnight." i whisper back, and the obnoxiously loud, angry flame inside of me reshapes into a euphoric, calm, relieving flame. the kind of flame you would watch while sitting next to a fireplace, not one that would swallow your house whole, or, more vigorously, swallow you whole.
for a few moments it lasts, then i start thinking. now he knows. why did i tell him? god damn it, why did i fucking tell him? he's never going to want to see me again. he's thinking, "wow, what a fucking freak."
-
a/n
here's another update. the next chapter's gonna be LIT.
YOU ARE READING
finding amanda - brian craigen
Fanfiction"amanda," he heaves against me, the tears on his cheeks dampening my silky shirt. "i found you."
