Luke Hemmings Secret Brother

chapter twenty

- super short chapter because of writer's block and lately I've just been so damn tired it's unreal. 4 hours isn't nearly enough for every two days (like I've been doing for awhile now) -

"I love him at least I think," I said with the song, taking a color pencil and shading in his jawline. "Because I don't want to live so empty."

I chewed on my bottom lip, humming the soft melody that was placed behind the poetry. I changed the gender of the subject, using masculine pronouns to have it more relating to my situation.

I swore when I accidentally coloured his skin too darkly, and decided to attempt to blend it into a shadow like something. I furrowed my eyebrows together and then set my hand in my hair, tugging on the locks gently as I attempted to bring the portrait alive with distinct facial structures like the crinkles by his eyes and the moles on his cheek.

I looked over when I felt like I got this just right, among in triumph. No drawing or picture could ever capture the light and happiness he radiates when he laughs whole-heartedly, but god dammit I was going to try.

I looked up as I felt a tap on my shoulder, seeing Arz standing there. "Yeah?" I asked, letting my headphones wrap around my neck.

"Is that Calum?" She asked me and I looked at the drawing. I nodded shamefully, and she sat in front of me.

"It is."

"You're into him yeah? More than just whatever you are now?" She asked me and I tapped my finger against my paper as I wracked my brain for the proper answer.

"I've never thought this way about someone." I said and looked her in the eyes. "I've never felt this way... I don't know."

"Talk to mama Arz." She said and rubbed my leg. "How do you think about him? How do you feel?"

"I don't know... it's kinda like... when he smiles, it's like someone kicked me in the gut and I can't help but think of how... how great he looks and is." I said and shook my head. "It's not even butterflies and shit, it's like being kicked." I said and she nodded.

"I also find myself excusing his wrongs by blaming myself." I said and shook my head. "I put him on some kind of pedestal, like he can't do any wrong. It's so bad."

"Daydream about him?"

"Not exactly day dreaming... just always thinking about him." I said and she laughed. "It's dumb. He's Luke's best friend. I shouldn't feel this way."

"I don't think there is a force on the Earth that can make your feelings invalid." She said and I shrugged as I continued coloring in the drawing.

"I'm disgusting. Who likes someone who just uses you for your body? It's fucking dumb. I'm an idiot." I said and shook my head. "All he wants is sex."

"What do you want?"

"A relationship." I said honestly, thinking back to how fucking sad and lonely I am. "Someone. I want someone."

"Tell him that."

"And ruin our friendship?" I asked and shook my head. "I'd rather slit my throat." I said and she rolled her eyes.

"Well then." She said and I chuckled. "Is it really a friendship if all he does is sleep with you and leave?"

"He doesn't just leave..." I said and thought about it. "He used to stay..."I trailed off.

"Exactly." She said and I shrugged as I set a thin sheet or paper over my drawing, closing the book gently. "Just tell him."

"I'm afraid of him just leaving me all alone completely." I said and she nodded. She looked at me and narrowed her eyes.

"What do you mean? What's going on between you two?"

"Nothing that hasn't before." I said and she told me to be more specific. "He just wants to sleep with me like I'm some kind of whore, but I want to be able to be in the same room and chill with our clothes on and dicks put away."

"Sounds like Cal." She said and I shrugged as I leaned back a bit. The music coming faintly from my headphones just made me even sadder.

"Can I ask you something kinda personal?" I asked and she looked at me.

"Sure."

"Let's say you're not in the mood, but Luke is, what do you do?" I asked and she stared at me.

"Did Calum-"

"Just please, what would you do?" I asked and she thought about it as she ran a hand through my hair.

"I tell him no, and he complies because Luke's not a fucking rapist and actually respects me enough to not push me if I don't want to." She said and I laughed. "Why do you ask?"

"That situation occured and I ended up sleeping with him even though I told him no like... four times maybe? Three? However many, I gave in cause he kept begging." I confessed and she tapped my knee.

"You shouldn't have done that. Now he's going think he can always get you, even if you don't want it." She said and I nodded.

"I know..." I trailed off and took a deep breath. "I really regret it. I feel like he doesn't even want to talk anymore."

"You sound like a girl in one of those dumb romance movies." She said and I rolled my eyes, pushing her away.

"Arz..."

"Alright alright," she said and I played with my lip rings. "Talk to him. You can't solve anything by ranting to someone."

"You'd be surprised." I joked and she rolled her eyes as she crossed her arms. "Next time we're alone, I bring it up."

"You better." She said and I promised I would.